Adult humor

[mmckee52]

Words to live by

This speaks for itself, sadly.



Great Orators of the Democrat Party

'One man with courage makes a majority.'
- Andrew Jackson

'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.'
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

'The buck stops here.'
- Harry S. Truman

'Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.'

- John F. Kennedy





And from today's genius Democrats..............


'It depends what your definition of 'sex' is?''
- Bill Clinton

'That Obama -- I would like to cut his NUTS off.'
- Jesse Jackson

'Those rumors are false .... I believe in the sanctity of marriage.'
- John Edwards

'I invented the Internet.'
- Al Gore

'The next person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their A**'
- Joe Biden

' America is--is no longer, uh, what it--it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was....uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want that future, uh, uh for my children.'
- Barack Obama

'I have campaigned in all 57 states.
- Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)

'You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats.'
- Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)

'Paying taxes is voluntary.'??????????????????(Hullo!)
- Sen. Harry Reid

'Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he.'
- Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)

HOW LUCKY CAN WE BE TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR ONCE GREAT COUNTRY?


''Life's tough ........ it's even tougher if you're stupid.'' -- John Wayne

 

[mmckee52]

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)

































What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

 

[mmckee52]

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins.
And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than baseball.In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.'

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ....neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

 

[mmckee52]

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex......
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and acouple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
07... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

 

[mmckee52]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers:
simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life -WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

 

[mmckee52]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading - they get better!!!












WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..'












UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women..

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.












MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?









CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)












WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'












WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day....

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'












CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !












WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning..

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'









The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

[GEK75]

The definition of Sex

A nurse, a teacher and a stewardess are being ask to define sex -

The teacher says:" Do not worry, we try it over and over again until you get it!"

The nurse says:" Lean back and relax it really does not hurt!"

The stewardess says:"Pull firmly down over mouth and nose and breath normally!"

 

[mmckee52]

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of Dillard's
and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?'
asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,'
said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour
and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types
of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked
about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters
used
to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why,
but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for,
it is about time
you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!..
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen
an d I can't get up!...

Send this to
all that will appreciate it!

They forgot the German bra

Holtzemfromfloppen

 

[mmckee52]

A Man's Age as Determined by a Trip to Walmart.

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint . You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.


In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt
off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait &Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'


In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog **** off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog **** on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud, and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

 

[mmckee52]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'Nah??not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

 

[mmckee52]

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he
noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and
asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man
had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs',
etc.......

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a
different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked
and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started
discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the
Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??

This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

...................

"A-r-e? y-o-u-r? p-e-o-p-l-e??? h-a-p-p-y? w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?????

 

[mmckee52]

Subject: Old golf...

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.
The pro asked, ' Di d you guys have a good game today?'

The first old guy said, 'Yes, I had three riders today.'

The second old guy said, 'I had the most riders ever. I had five.'

The third old guy said, 'I had 7 riders, the same as last time.'

The last old man said, 'I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.'

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, 'I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?'

The pro said, 'A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it.'

 

[mmckee52]

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend:

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 

[pigue]

I don't know about anyone else, but I look forward to these every day!
Keep them coming and Thanks for taking the time to post all of these mckee1952!

Tim

 

[mmckee52]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,
'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact
you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be
glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a
word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and
says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she
ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the
word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.


She'll read it very slowly....
'com-for-da-bul.'

 

[mmckee52]

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


*************************************** ***************************************************** **************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


***********************************************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

************************************************************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
S he says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


*********************************************************************************************************

AND THE BEST FOR L AST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall ..
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

 

[mmckee52]

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

 

[mmckee52]

A man was riding his Harley along the beach in California when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

And the Lord replied........................................... .....


You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge

 

[mmckee52]

YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS RANCHER'S OUTLOOK & COMMON SENSE APPROACH TO LIFE.


While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama as our president.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''..
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with'.

 

[mmckee52]

Logic
>
>
>
>
> Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their
> favorite bar, drinking
> beer.
>
>
> Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm
> tired of going through life
> without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the
> Community College and
> sign up for some classes.'
>
>
> Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.
>
>
> The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets
> Dean of Admissions,
> who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math,
> English, history, and
> Logic.
>
>
> 'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'
>
>
> The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you
> own a weed eater?'
>
>
> 'Yeah.'
>
>
> 'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed
> eater, I think that you
> would have a yard.'
>
>
> 'That's true, I do have a yard.'
>
>
> 'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because
> you have a yard, I
> think logically that you would have a house.'
>
>
> 'Yes, I do have a house.'
>
>
> 'And because you have a house, I think that you might
> logically have a family.'
>
>
> 'Yes, I have a family.
>
>
> 'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family,
> then logically you must have a
> wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me
> you must be a heterosexual.'
>
>
> 'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were
> able to find out all of that
> because I have a weed eater.'
>
>
> Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the
> Dean's hand and leaves to go
> meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes,
> how he is signed up
> for Math, English, History, and Logic.
>
> 'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'
>
>
> Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you
> have a weed eater?'
>
> 'No.'
>
> 'Then you're a queer.'