Adult humor

T37 Phil · Feb 10, 2009

How about ending with "No ..... I'm your wife's Pilates instructor"? Do you suppose that the lack of replies here reflects the ratio of truth/humor is the story - too close to the bone? Actually, that's what makes many stories funny - that grain of truth, that slippery bit of interpretation.

Ross · Feb 10, 2009

Yesterday Mike drove his open pick-up truck into the river but he was able to break a window and get out, but the two guys in the back couldn't get the tail gate down and they drowned.

caguy · Feb 10, 2009

Keeping this sailing related, a couple of Sundays ago while Novleman and I were sailing through Long Beach Harbor we were listening to Prairie Home Companion. Garrison Keeler and guest told a slew of fart jokes and how they are only funny to men, although, Headmistress Peggy may find them entertaining too.
If you are easily offended change the channel now, and please don't flame me (no bun intended). Some of these are really old as are most of the farts that hang at this forum.
Why do farts smell? .... So deaf people can enjoy them too.
How can you tell when a woman wearing pantie hose farts? ... Her ankles swell.
What did the Maxipad say to the fart? ... ''You are the wind beneath my wings''
Why do men fart more than women? ... They don't stop talking long enough to let the pressure build up.

Sailm8 · Feb 11, 2009

A man is registering at a hotel. He asks" I sure hope the porno channel is disabled".

The clerk looks up and says, "they're regular porn you sick %^$&"

Sailm8 · Feb 12, 2009

OK slowly now .... It's regular porn not disabled porn. Get it?

Deadhead · Feb 14, 2009

This guy is flying across the country . . .

He is sitting next to a hot looking girl who is busy reading a magazine. After a while she turns to the fellow saying 'wow, it says here that native american men are know to have the longest penis of any nationality.'

The guy agrees that it is an interesting fact.

A couple minutes later the girl turns again. 'Did you know that polish men are known to have the thickest penises?'

No, I didn't', the guy replies. 'But let me introduce myself - I'm Tonto Kowalski.'

Bob Poff · Feb 16, 2009

Zip....

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman
who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up
to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking
that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she
could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a
third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make
the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and
yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you
are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I
kinda figured we was friends!"

caguy · Feb 16, 2009

I heard this cute one on cable the other day.
A guy goes into the bakery and tells the baker it my birthday, I bet you can't guess how old I am. The baker looks at him and guess 35. The man says no I'm 46, but thanks for the compliment. He then goes to the butcher and asks the same question to which the butcher guesses 29. No says the man I'm 46, and thanks him for the compliment. He gets to the bus stop where he finds and old lady waiting for the bus.
He tells her its his birthday and he bets she can't guess his age. She says to him well I'm old and my eyesight is not too good but I can guess your age if you let me fondle your penis for 10 minutes. The guy figures what the heck and gives her permission. She sticks her hand in his pants and fondles away. Ten minutes later she removes her hand and announces he is 46. That's amazing how did you do that?
Easy, I was behind you in line at the baker's shop.

Don-MT · Feb 17, 2009

Ole and Sven--

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Montana opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light. 'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter, he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long. 'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??' 'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.' 'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked. 'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole. 'Could I see him?' Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, “Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?” 'Yes, I will,' says the Genie. So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying directly overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, “Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!' Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

Phil V25 · Feb 17, 2009

I was waiting at a bus stop with an elderly lady on a rather breezy day. I noticed that every time the wind gusted she would reach up and grab her hat, but when she did the wind would lift her dress up. After several gusts I tried politely to make her aware of the situation that she was showing her underclothes. She replied, "well thank you, but you see the hat is brand new and everything down there is eighty years old"!

Trimmer · May 29, 2009

Two good ole boys sittin around the fire at huntin camp. "Clem you supose if you was away and I had sex wit your wife, and she had a child would that make us kin?" (Clem ponders) "I don know Vern but I guess i't'd make us even"

mmckee52 · Jun 1, 2009

10 pearls of wisdom

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. A penny saved is a government oversight.

3. The easiest way to find something lost is to buy a replacement.

4. He who hesitates is probably right.

5. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for 40 are XL.

6. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven?t met everybody.

7. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

8. Did you ever notice: When you put the two words ?The? and ?IRS? together it spells ?Theirs.?

9. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

10. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

mmckee52 · Jun 1, 2009

Little Johnny........

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking?.

mmckee52 · Jun 1, 2009

Lena is pregnant with Ole's child. Late one night,
Lena vakes Ole and says,
I tink it's time!' So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her
to the
hospital to have their first baby. She had a little
boy, and the doctor looked over
at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat great!'
Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the
doctor spoke up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!' The doctor den held up a little
girl.
He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's
a pretty little ting, too.'
Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the
doctor said,
'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't done yet!' The
doctor then delivered
another boy and said, Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!'
Ole was flabbergasted by this news!
A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three
children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he
asked Lena , 'How come we got tree on the first try?'
Lena said,
'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the
garage
and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'

Ole said,
'Yeah, I do. Uffda! It's a dam good ting I didn't get the WD-40.

mmckee52 · Jun 2, 2009

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass.

The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass.

The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy."

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."