Adult humor

[mmckee52]

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book?' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

 

[mmckee52]

Summary of Life?

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:?

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..?
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.?
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.?
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair...
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.?
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.?
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap..?

<aoladp://MA21778502-0002/ATT2.jpg>
<aoladp://MA21778502-0003/ATT3.gif>
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:?

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt..
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts?
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...?
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.?



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD?

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..?
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.?
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.?
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.?
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.?


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:?

1) You believe in Santa Claus.?
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.?

<aoladp://MA21778502-0004/ATT4.gif>
SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.?
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.?
At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.?
At age 35 success is . . .. .having money.
At age 50 success is . .. . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers license.?
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.?
At age 80 success is . . .. not piddling in your pants.?

 

[mmckee52]

DID YOU KNOW?


<aoladp://MA21780572-0001/image0011111.jpg> Peel a banana from the bottom and you won't have to

pick the little 'stringy things' off of it. That's how the primates do it.




<aoladp://MA21780572-0002/image0022222.jpg> Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store.

If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.







<aoladp://MA21780572-0003/image0033333.jpg>

Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil.

It will stay fresh much longer and not mold!




<aoladp://MA21780572-0004/image0044444.jpg> Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating.

Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking.







Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef.

It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking.




To really make scrambled eggs or omelettes rich add a couple of

spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream in and then beat them up.




<aoladp://MA21780572-0005/image0055555.jpg> For a cool brownie treat, make brownies as directed. Melt chocolate mint patties

in double broiler and pour over warm brownies.. Let set for a wonderful minty frosting.




<aoladp://MA21780572-0006/image0066666.jpg> Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste

of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic.

<aoladp://MA21780572-0007/image0077777.gif> Reheat Pizza

Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm.

This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works.




Easy Deviled Eggs <aoladp://MA21780572-0008/image0088888.gif>

Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.







Reheating refrigerated bread <aoladp://MA21780572-0009/image0099999.gif>

To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water.

The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.




<aoladp://MA21780572-0010/image01010101010.jpg> Newspaper weeds away

Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers, put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers.




Broken Glass <aoladp://MA21780572-0011/image01111111111.jpg>

Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily.










<aoladp://MA21780572-0012/image01212121212.gif> Flexible vacuum

To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.




Reducing Static Cling

Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and.. ta da!... static is gone.




<aoladp://MA21780572-0013/image01313131313.gif> Measuring Cups

Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup.

Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.

Foggy Windshield? <aoladp://MA21780572-0014/image01414141414.jpg>

Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car.

When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!




<aoladp://MA21780572-0015/image01515151515.gif> Reopening envelope

If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily.




Conditioner <aoladp://MA21780572-0016/image01616161616.jpg>

Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth.

It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair...







Get Rid of Ants <aoladp://MA21780572-0017/image01717171717.gif>

Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it 'home,' can'tdigest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works and you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!




<aoladp://MA21780572-0018/image01818181818.gif> INFO ABOUT CLOTHES DRYERS

The heating unit went out on my dryer! The gentleman that fixes things around the house for us told us that he wanted to show us something and he went over to the dryer and pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. (I always clean the lint from the filter after every load clothes.) He told us that he wanted to show us something else; he took the filter over to the sink and ran hot water over it. The lint filter is made of a mesh material... I'm sure you know what your dryer's lint filter looks like.. Well ...the hot water just sat on top of the mesh! It didn't go through it at all! He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that mesh that's what burns out the heating unit.You can't SEE the film, but it's there. It's what is in the dryer sheets to make your clothes soft and static free... that nice fragrance too. You know how they can feel waxy when you take them out of the box .well this stuff builds up on your clothes and on your lint screen. This is also what causes dryer units to potentially burn your house down with it! He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a very long time (and to keep your electric bill lower) is to take that filter out and wash it with hot soapy water and an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every six months.He said that makes the life of the dryer at least twice as long!

How about that!!

 

[mmckee52]

The value of a Catholic education and a # 2 pencil
Little Susie was not the best student
in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued
teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our
Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once
again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and
Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did
Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie
jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in
me one more time , I'll break it in half!' The nun fainted.

 

[mmckee52]

Subject: So goes the bull

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first

exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign

attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
<cid:1.568449734@web31304.mail.mud.yahoo.com>



My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled

and said,

'He mated 50 times last year.'


We walked to the second pen which had a sign

attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

<cid:2.568449735@web31304.mail.mud.yahoo.com>
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said,

'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .

You could learn a lot from him.'


We walked to the third pen and it had a sign

attached that said,
in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'



<cid:3.568449735@web31304.mail.mud.yahoo.com>

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly

broke my ribs, and said,


'That's once a day.

You could REALLY learn something

from this one.'




I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him

if it was with the same

old cow.'

 

[mmckee52]

Dear Tide:
<cid:X.MA1.1245758000@aol.com>
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life , as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative! to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.


Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

 

[mmckee52]

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.... His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know..... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'



Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'




Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. . .!


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

[mmckee52]

The Parrot


<cidart1.03010900.09010909@suddenlink.net>
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used
to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes
it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'
<cidart2.07030708.01020102@suddenlink.net>
The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'
<cidart3.02080907.03020700@suddenlink.net>
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned
from school the bird saw and said,
'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended,
but then began to laugh about the situationconsidering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

<cidart4.04070009.09080708@suddenlink.net>
'Hi Keith'

 

[mmckee52]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered are Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT &DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them..

 

[mmckee52]

Subject: A REDNECK LOVE STORY
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
***************************
Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it

 

[mmckee52]

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH



Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway

-but the Hershey Man will know! YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH


This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.



1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)




2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)





3. Add 5





4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator





5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ..
If you haven't, add 1758.





6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.



You should have a three digit number









The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).


The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

chocolate Calculator.

 

[caguy]

What does a person with severe Obsessive Compuslive Disorder call himself?

CDO, that OCD in alphabetical order.

 

[mmckee52]

Those fabulous Jewish comedians. So funny...before we became "politically correct."


You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days: Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields,
Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie
Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny and so many others. Not one single swear word in their comedy.

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* People think we're love birds because we hold hands alot. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and
cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. She called it the Dead Sea.

* My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours; and that was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* I was just in London ; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six
months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my
arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's
what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay,
let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

*Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed
that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes'.

5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

7. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" " Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible.. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is
it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher
you want a speaking part."

9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark.
I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in
three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

14. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised? A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
__________________

 

[mmckee52]

Spelling to get into Heaven


A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello, how are you? We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."



When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.




While the woman was guarding the G ates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia .

 

[mmckee52]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde ..

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened... I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
I was driving down the road....."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite
mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other..
I was hurtin', real bad and didn't want to move. But, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said,
"How are you feeling?"
"Now what the hell would you say?"

 

[mmckee52]

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.



"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."



The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."

 

[mmckee52]

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing
> trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time
> because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name
> calling, Dave headed home frustrated.
> The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake they were
> shocked
> to see Dave. He was already sitting on the
> dock , fishing rod in hand, and drinking a beer.
> His buddies asked, "How did you talk your missus into letting you go
> Dave?"
> Dave replied.
> Last night I came home and slumped down in my
> chair with a beer to drown my sorrows thinking how much I wanted to go
> fishing.
> Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said,
> 'Surprise'.
> When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see
> through negligee and she said, Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to
> the bed and you can do whatever you want'......
>
> SO I DID AND HERE I AM!

 

[mmckee52]

[cid:1397D7A6FCCB4E10AF3F4D0E95069488@PennellS]

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately.

 

[mmckee52]

What a Coincidence

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman,
and
ordered glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, How about that! I just
ordered a
glass of champagne, too!

What a coincidence, the farmer said. This is a special day
for me.
I'm celebrating.

This is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating,
said the woman.

What a coincidence! said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses, he asked, What are you celebrating?

My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today
my
gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!

What a coincidence! said the man. I'm a chicken farmer, and
for
years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all
laying
fertilized eggs.

That's great! said the woman. How did your chickens become
fertile?

I used a different rooster, he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, What a
coincidence!

 

[mmckee52]

A sailor appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the sailor offers. "I came upon a gang of macho pirates who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest, meanest, nastiest one. I smacked him on the head, knocked the parrot off his shoulder, ripped out his ear ring and threw it on the ground and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" The sailor replies, "Just a couple of minutes ago..."