Adult humor

[mmckee52]

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were
excessively mischievous. They
were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.

If any mischief occurred in their town,
the two boys were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if
he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first in the morning,
with the older boy to see the preacher
in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a
booming voice, sat the younger boy
down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?'

The boy's mouth dropped open, but
he made no response, sitting there
wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question
in an even sterner tone, 'Where is
God?'

Again, the boy made no attempt to
answer. The preacher raised his
voice even more and shook his finger
in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where
is God?'

The boy screamed and bolted from
the room, ran directly home and dove
into his closet, slamming the door
behind him. When his older brother
found him in the closet, he asked,
'What happened?'

The younger brother, gasping for
breath, replied, 'We are in BIG
trouble this time,' (I just LOVE
reading this next line again and
again

'GOD is missing, and they think
we did it.'

 

[mmckee52]

"BAIL EM OUT! ????

Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"

 

[mmckee52]

Subject: Health Care

"May I please speak to Weldon's wife."

"Speaking."

"Hello, this is Dr. Jones at Scripps Laboratory. When your husband's doctor
sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another man named Weldon
arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Weldon's wife asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you please do the test again?"

"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these
expensive tests just one time."

''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

"The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.=

 

[mmckee52]

Two men are showering up in a locker room when one of


> them notices that his friend is extremely well endowed.


> "Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.



> "I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."


> What do you mean?" Jim asked.

> "Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night


> rubbing it with butter... I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it

> grow 4 inches! You should try it."


> Jim agrees and the two say good bye.


> A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how


> his situation was.


> Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller!


> "I've lost two inches already."

> "Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"



> "Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."

> Wait for it .........



> "Crisco!!?" Bob exclaimed. "Damn it, Jim, Crisco is shortening!"



> MORAL:


> You gotta follow the recipe!!!

 

[mmckee52]

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They
don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And,once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATEDFROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry...What was the question?

 

[mmckee52]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,
"I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at
60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from
her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know
that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks
over at his wife and growls,
"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be
thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your big mouth
shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not
wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but
took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license
out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very
well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your
seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the
driver turns to his wife and barks, "GODDAMN, WHY DON'T YOU
PLEASE SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH?"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your
husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part....





"Only when he's drunk

 

[mmckee52]

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom
door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you
live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left
open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is
free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be
the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are
pretty, some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors....but they all exist very
nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a
detour.

 

[mmckee52]

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my

porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FREAKIN' PORRIDGE YET"

 

[mmckee52]

Guts or Balls



There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls,
but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts
to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: 'You're next,
Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

 

[mmckee52]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

---------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

---------------------------------------------------------

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

---------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither Doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

-----------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

----------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

----------------------------------------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

-----------------------------------------------------------

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

----------------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm OK but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say?' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

------------------------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

-----------------------------------------------------------

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's just arrived.'

 

[mmckee52]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

 

[mmckee52]

Medical Students
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought I just had GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

 

[mmckee52]

The Broken Lawn Mower



Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is usually the husband.



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.



Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.



I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'You might as well sweep the driveway."



The doctors say I will walk again, but I'll always have a limp.

 

[mmckee52]

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand newstud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
>
> 'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'
> The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
> ALL of these chickens.
> Look what it has done to me
> Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
>
>
>
> The young rooster says,
> 'Beat it: You are washed up
> And I am taking over.'
>
> The old rooster says,
> 'I tell you what, young stud.
> I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
> The young rooster laughs.
> 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
> So, just to be fair,
> I will give you a head start.'
>
> The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
> They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
>
>
> He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
> The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
> When he sees the roosters running by.
>
> The Old Rooster is squawking
> And running as hard as he can.
> The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
> - BOOM -
> He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
> 'Dammit......
> Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
> Moral of this
> Story? ....
> Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
> Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
> Always overcome youth and arrogance!
> OLD DUDES RULE !!!!!

 

[mmckee52]

After the president has been in office for 6 months it

is customary for the last president to send a note of

congratulations to the new one.

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the

president was somewhat troubled because it was written

in code and all it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H



This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how

former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly

challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher

it. They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the

message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of

the Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine

the meaning of the note. Next he called in the head of the

Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by

the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the oval office. They called

all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the

note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with

an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All

branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI

were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked

up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the

meaning of the note.



Bush chuckled and replied: "You're holding the note upside down!"

 

[thisoldspouse]

I know you hate to admit it, but you scrolled back to the top of that last one. LOL

 

[Gregg9020]

Not really a joke, but humorous to say the least.


An update on a local story well worth repeating.....
Hope this finds you enjoying this wonderful long weekend!


The Budweiser Story

(not a joke)


This is TRUE!




How Budweiser handled those who laughed at those who died on the 11th of September, 2001...




Thought you might like to know what happened in a little town north of Bakersfield , California

After you finish reading this, please forward this story on to others so that our nation and people around the world will know about those who laughed when they found out about the tragic events in New York , Pennsylvania , and the Pentagon. On September 11th, A Budweiser employee was making a delivery to a convenience store in a California town named McFarland.


He knew of the tragedy that had occurred in New York when he entered the business to find the two Arabs, who owned the business, whooping and hollering to show their approval and support of this treacherous attack.


The Budweiser employee went to his truck, called his boss and told him of the very upsetting event! He didn't feel he could be in that store with those horrible people. His boss asked him, 'Do you think you could go in there long enough to pull every Budweiser product and item our beverage company sells there?


We'll never deliver to them again.' The employee walked in, proceeded to pull every single product his beverage company provided and left with an incredible grin on his face. He told them never to bother to call for a delivery again. Budweiser happens to be the beer of choice for that community.

Just letting you know how Kern County handled this situation.




The Rest Of The Story:


It seems that the Bud driver and the Pepsi man are neighbors. Bud called Pepsi and told him. Pepsi called his boss who told him to
pull all Pepsi products as well!!! That would include Frito Lay, etc. Furthermore, word spread and all vendors followed suit! At last report, on June 26, 2009, Fareed Katib closed the store and filed bankruptcy!


Good old American Passive-Aggressive A$$ Whoopin!

Pass this along, America needs to know that we're all working together!


If you can read this.

Thank a teacher...


If you are reading it in English....


THANK A SOLDIER!!!

 

[mmckee52]

Did you know:



A. That the words "race car" spelled backward still spell "race car"?

B. That "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking *******s and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you"?

How weird is that ???

 

[mmckee52]

LIFE' THOUGHTS BY 'DUCKY'



[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.2]

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]


How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]


Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!





[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]


Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

A completely brilliant question!!!!!!!

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast..net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Another completely brilliant question!!!!

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

This is a very special statement!!!!!!!!!







And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Ya just might want to pass this along.

 

[JonBill]

Robot Bartender

ROBOT BARTENDER

A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says "Martini."


The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.


The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini".

Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So... you people still happy you voted for Obama?"