Funny Friday!!!
- Thread starter rgranger
- Start date
During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her
physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every
week in the outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical;
I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough
terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I barely avoided stepping on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I went to the bathroom behind some big trees.
I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank
a scotch and three glasses of wine.
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"
"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really shitty golfer.
physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every
week in the outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical;
I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough
terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I barely avoided stepping on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I went to the bathroom behind some big trees.
I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank
a scotch and three glasses of wine.
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"
"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really shitty golfer.
Jewish Personal Injury Case
Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck.
Weeks later, in court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was
questioning Shmuel.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of
the accident, ‘I'm fine,"
asked the lawyer?
Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you
vat happened.
I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the
lawyer interrupted.
“Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene
of the accident, ‘I'm fine.’”?
Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele
into the car and vas driving
down the road..."
"The lawyer interrupted again and
said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at
the scene of the accident,
this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene
that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident
he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer
the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly
interested in Shmuel's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear
what he has to say about his dog
Moishele."
Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded
Moishele, my lovely hundteleh
(dog), into the car and vas
driving him down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and
trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side.
I vas thrown into one ditch and
Moishele vas thrown into
the other.
I vas hurting real bad, and didn't
want to move.
However, I heard Moishele moaning
and groaning.
I knew he vas interrible shape just
by his groans.
Den a Highway Patrolman came along.
He could hear Moishele moaning and
groaning so he vent over to him.
After he looked at him and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his
gun and shoots him between the eyes.
Den the Patrolman comes across the
road, gun still in hand, looks at
me and says, "How are you feeling?"
"Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?"
Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck.
Weeks later, in court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was
questioning Shmuel.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of
the accident, ‘I'm fine,"
asked the lawyer?
Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you
vat happened.
I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the
lawyer interrupted.
“Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene
of the accident, ‘I'm fine.’”?
Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele
into the car and vas driving
down the road..."
"The lawyer interrupted again and
said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at
the scene of the accident,
this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene
that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident
he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer
the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly
interested in Shmuel's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear
what he has to say about his dog
Moishele."
Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded
Moishele, my lovely hundteleh
(dog), into the car and vas
driving him down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and
trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side.
I vas thrown into one ditch and
Moishele vas thrown into
the other.
I vas hurting real bad, and didn't
want to move.
However, I heard Moishele moaning
and groaning.
I knew he vas interrible shape just
by his groans.
Den a Highway Patrolman came along.
He could hear Moishele moaning and
groaning so he vent over to him.
After he looked at him and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his
gun and shoots him between the eyes.
Den the Patrolman comes across the
road, gun still in hand, looks at
me and says, "How are you feeling?"
"Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?"
An 86-year-old man goes to his doctor for his yearly check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling, and the man replies "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?".
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story: "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting and, being in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realizes he has left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."
"Now, what do you think of that?" asks the doctor.
The 86-year-old says "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replies "My point exactly".
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story: "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting and, being in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realizes he has left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."
"Now, what do you think of that?" asks the doctor.
The 86-year-old says "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replies "My point exactly".
I like this one, too.
Mr. Peabody, the local banker, saw his old friend Pete, an 80-year-old
rancher, in town.
Pete had lost his wife the year before. Rumor had it he was marrying a 'mail
order' bride.
Mr. Peabody asked Pete if the rumor was true.
Pete replied, "Yes, it is true."
Mr. Peabody asked, "May I ask the age of your new bride to be?"
Pete replied, "She'll be 21 in November."
Mr. Peabody, being a wise man, knew the sexual appetite of a young woman
could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man.
Mr. Peabody wanted Pete's remaining years to be happy. So he tactfully
suggested that Pete should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on
the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Pete thought this was a good idea and said he would look for a hired hand
that very afternoon.
Four months later, Mr. Peabody saw Pete in town again.
Mr. Peabody asked, "How is your new wife?"
Pete replied, "Good. She's pregnant."
Mr. Peabody was pleased his sage advice had worked out so well.
He asked, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Pete said, "She's pregnant too!"
Never underestimate old men.
Mr. Peabody, the local banker, saw his old friend Pete, an 80-year-old
rancher, in town.
Pete had lost his wife the year before. Rumor had it he was marrying a 'mail
order' bride.
Mr. Peabody asked Pete if the rumor was true.
Pete replied, "Yes, it is true."
Mr. Peabody asked, "May I ask the age of your new bride to be?"
Pete replied, "She'll be 21 in November."
Mr. Peabody, being a wise man, knew the sexual appetite of a young woman
could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man.
Mr. Peabody wanted Pete's remaining years to be happy. So he tactfully
suggested that Pete should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on
the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Pete thought this was a good idea and said he would look for a hired hand
that very afternoon.
Four months later, Mr. Peabody saw Pete in town again.
Mr. Peabody asked, "How is your new wife?"
Pete replied, "Good. She's pregnant."
Mr. Peabody was pleased his sage advice had worked out so well.
He asked, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Pete said, "She's pregnant too!"
Never underestimate old men.
A Mormon was seated next to a sailor on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The sailor asked for a dram of rum, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. The pious man replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The sailor then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know that was on the menu."
-Will (Dragonfly)
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The sailor asked for a dram of rum, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. The pious man replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The sailor then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know that was on the menu."
-Will (Dragonfly)
Raymarine announces their new line of GPS Multifunction Displays for seniors.
Not only does it tell you how to get to your destination, it tells you why you wanted to go there.
Not only does it tell you how to get to your destination, it tells you why you wanted to go there.
@Sailavie1 , what was the model number of that unit. I can’t seem to find it at my local chandlery.
It doesn't seem like you need one as: a) you found your local chandlery b) you remembered why you went there
Just look for the one with a rotary dial.
WHAT? you talking about the Pro Model of the Axiom as a "Senior" model... Ha ha ....
I can remember having to talk to the operator, rotary dials were a big step up.
I can totally relate to this one.
and this one too....
Well.... okay! Now that I'm being honest..... this one too...
Happy FRIDAY!
and this one too....
Well.... okay! Now that I'm being honest..... this one too...
Happy FRIDAY!