Adult humor

[mmckee52]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has
had no
lessons, nor prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately
springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde
begins to
slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to
get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she
slides down
the horse's side anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping
rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap
away from
the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup,
she is now at
the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the
ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere
moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great fortune.... Mike, the
Walmart greeter, sees
her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

 

[mmckee52]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN


The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

 

[mmckee52]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
<cid:2.2147470855@web83809.mail.sp1.yahoo.com>

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

 

[mmckee52]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. **

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until
directed to do so. '

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here
for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. 'You may say two words today...'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'

 

[mmckee52]

Bumper stickers seen on a USMC base.

Happy 234th Birthday Marines! (10 NOV 1775 - 10 NOV 2009)



" U.S. Marines -- Travel Agents to Allah"



"Stop Global Whining"



"When In Doubt, Empty the Magazine"



"The Marine Corps -- When It Absolutely,

Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"



"Death Smiles at Everyone -- Marines Smile Back"



"Marine Sniper -- 'You can run, but you'll just die tired!'"



"What Do I Feel When I Shoot A Terrorist? ... A little Recoil"



"Marines - Providing the Enemies of America an Opportunity to Die For

their Country since 1775"



"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"



"Happiness Is a Belt-Fed Weapon"



"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden -

It's our job to get him to the meeting"



"Artillery Brings Dignity to What

Would Otherwise Be Just an ugly Brawl"



"One Shot, Twelve Kills -- Marine Artillery"



"Machine Gunners -- Accuracy by Volume"



"A Dead Enemy Is a Peaceful Enemy -

- Blessed Be the Peacemakers"



"If You Can Read, Thank A Teacher..

If You Can Read It in English, Thank a Veteran"



"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR has

never really solved anything.*



"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a

difference in the world. But the Marines don't have that problem." --Ronald Reagan



SEMPER FIDELIS

 

[Ctskip]

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.


The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish or wherever I want.... On any land!!. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "


The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.....


A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

​

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.
The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


" Your Badge!!... Show him your BADGE ! !"

 

[Ctskip]

THIS HAS GOT TO PISS SOMEBODY OFF

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the pearly Gates. He is very
excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.
'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up'. And he points to a
ladder that rises into the clouds...
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the
ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room
where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the
ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets
another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up.'
Mohammed higher than Jesus? The poor man can hardly contain his
delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard
and repeats his question:
'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps. By now he is totally out of breath from
all his climbing.
'No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted.. Would you like a
coffee?'
'Yes, please, my Lord.'
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
'Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!'

Keep it up,
Ctskip

 

[Alan]

Pissed off??!! Not in the least....

...but your post sheds light on the kind of foolish ignorance that exists in the minds of some. Oh well, some day I'm hoping that ALL religions will be seen for what they really are.

Try thinking like John Lennon when he said ".......imagine there's no heaven, it's easy if you try. No hell below us, above us only sky."

 

[Deadhead]

How Many Times?

The cops questioned Tiger's wife and asked how many times she hit him with the club. She replied "I don't know, just put me down for a 5."

 

[Ross]

THIS HAS GOT TO PISS SOMEBODY OFF

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the pearly Gates. He is very
excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.
'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up'. And he points to a
ladder that rises into the clouds...
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the
ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room
where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the
ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets
another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up.'
Mohammed higher than Jesus? The poor man can hardly contain his
delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard
and repeats his question:
'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps. By now he is totally out of breath from
all his climbing.
'No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted.. Would you like a
coffee?'
'Yes, please, my Lord.'
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
'Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!'

Keep it up,
Ctskip

The really funny part of this joke is that Jesus taught that the one who would be greatest should make himself the servant to all of the others.

 

[mmckee52]

The hits keep on coming.
>
>
> 1) Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him.
> She said "I don't know exactly... just put me down for a 5."
>
> 2) Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he
> has a hole-in-one.
>
> 3) What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive
> a ball 400 yards.
>
> 4) Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't
> decide between a wood and an iron.
>
> 5) Why did Tiger leave the house so early? He has a 2:30 tree time.
>
> 6) What do a Cadillac SUV and a Nike golf ball have in common? Tiger
> Woods can drive them both into the trees.
>
> 7) What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both
> been clubbed by a Norwegian

 

[mmckee52]

Night Befo Crizzmus

Wus da night afo' Crizzmus, and all thru da hood,
everybody be sleepin' and da sleepin' be good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck,
dat dear Ol' Obama's, gunna brang us our checks.

All of da family, was ly'in on the flow,
my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe.
Ashtrays was all full , empty beer cans and all
when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, it must be da law".

I pulled the sheet off da windoe and what I'ze could see,
I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrent fo' me.
But what did I see, made me say, "Laaawd look at dat".
dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-#ss rats.

Now over all of da years, Santy Claws he be white,
but it looks like us brotha's, got a black un' tonight.
Faster than a po-lees car, my homeboy he came,
and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.

On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who
On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.
Obama landed dat melon, right dere in da street,
I knowed it fo' sho', - can you believe that Sh'eet?

Dat Santy didn't need no chimney, he picked da lock on my doe,
an I sez to myself, "Son o' b*tch...he don did dis befoe"!
He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck?
Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun my neck.

But he left me no presents, just started stealin my sh*t.
He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my crap in his bag, out da windoe he flew,
I sho' woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.

He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch,
and waz gone in two seconds, "democrat son of a b*tch".
So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git,
'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a sh*t !!!!

 

[mmckee52]

A SHORT LOVE STORY
>
>A man and a woman who had never met before,
>But who were both married to other people,
>Found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental
>train.
>
>Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
>They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth
>and she in the lower.
>
>At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........
>'Ma'am,
>
>I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet
>to get me a second blanket?
>
>
>I'm awfully cold.'
>
>
> 'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend
>that we're married.'
>
>'Wow!.................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
>
>
>
>
>'Good,' she replied. ..............'Get your own f**king blanket.'
>
>After a moment of silence, .........................he farted.
>
>
>The End

 

[mmckee52]

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce

 

[mmckee52]

Heart-warming Christmas story (almost)




There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas , and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman..

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

 

[Ross in Tampa]

Marriage Counseling...

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet
needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

After a few minutes the therapist stepped away, Eileen buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'
Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I sail.

 

[caguy]

You're gonna love this one!

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions in time.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: Johnny raises his hand and says,"TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

 

[Tracy23758]

A Scottish Sailor who was marrooned on a tropical Island is walking the beach one day gathering food for lunch. He looks out over the water for signs of a ship like he does everyday but sees nothing. A little later on down the beach he looks again and sees a little speck on the horizon, too small to be a ship though so he dismisses it as driftwood or flotsum. After a bit though the speck gets bigger and he hears an outboard motor. He runs to the waters edge to see a Zodiac approach the beach skippered by a beautiful woman in a wetsuit! He helps her secure the boat and she says"My god you poor man, you look like you have been here for years?" "Aye yes Lass..I've been stranded here alone for these last 8 years!" "Oh my she says, it must have been a long time then since you have had some good whiskey?" "Oh yes he sighs", and then brightens as she unzipps part of her wetsuit and produces a bottle of 30year old Scotch. "here my good man she says" as she pours him a double. He quaffs that and she pours him another. "Would you like a cigarette Sir, she smiles as she peels her wetsuit down a little more and produces a dry pack of Players?" "Oh Lassie that would be wonderful,I had but one pack that didn't last me long while I was marrooned". As he smokes it he relaxes a bit finally and she pours him another drink. With a sly little grin she starts to peel down her suit more, looks passionately into his eyes and asks him," What else haven't you done in a long time?" He starts to cry and sobs "Oh Lassie don't be teaseing an old man...don't tell me you've a set of golf clubs in there too!"

 

[mmckee52]

Last Thursday Night Around Midnight, A Woman From Houston , Texas Was
Arrested,
Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter For Shooting A Man 6 Times In The Back
As He Was Running Away With Her Purse. ~
The Following Monday Morning,
The Woman Was Called In Front Of The Arraignment Judge, Sworn In,
And Asked To Explain Her Actions.
The Woman Replied, "I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop
For About 15 Minutes, Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work.
Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe...
I Was There Alone, So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol,
That Was In My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder.
All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left.
As I Caught My Balance, I Saw A Man
Running Away From Me With My Purse.
I Looked Down At My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped
Tightly
Around My Pistol. The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud,
"No Way Punk! Your Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips."
~ I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My Pistol
At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse,
And Squeezed The Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!
~
When Asked By The Arraignment Judge,
"Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?
~
The Woman Replied Under Oath,
"Because, When I Pulled The Trigger The 7th Time, It Only Went Click."
~
The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges. She Was Back At Work, At The
Cafe, The Next Day!
Now that's Gun Control....

 

[mmckee52]

Subject: MY DOG...




My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food
prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.

His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the doctor once a
year fo
his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he
needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess,
someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to
sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living
like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his
costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit
me like a brick in the head, "Holy S#!t, my dog is a democrat!"

Thank God he can't vote