Its funny Friday!
- Thread starter rgranger
- Start date
jssailem
SBO Weather and Forecasting Forum Jim & John
- Oct 22, 2014
- 22,076
CRUSHED SCROTUM.
During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”
There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.
“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”
The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.”
The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”
During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”
There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.
“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”
The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.”
The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”
A guy goes to see his Doctor and says "doc, I've been thinking about this for a long time and I've made a decision to get castrated".
The Doctor says "Are you sure, that's a pretty serious decision and there's no going back".
The guy says "I've put a lot of thought into it and there's no talking me out of it".
The Doctor says "Well ok then, I can do it next Tuesday at the hospital".
So next Tuesday comes, the guys goes in, the operation is a success and they keep him overnight.
The following day, the guy is leaving the hospital when he bumps into an old friend who says "Hey Tommy, nice to see you, what are doing at the hospital?"
Tommy says "I just got castrated".
The friend says "You mean circumcised?"
Tommy says "Yeah, that's the word".
The Doctor says "Are you sure, that's a pretty serious decision and there's no going back".
The guy says "I've put a lot of thought into it and there's no talking me out of it".
The Doctor says "Well ok then, I can do it next Tuesday at the hospital".
So next Tuesday comes, the guys goes in, the operation is a success and they keep him overnight.
The following day, the guy is leaving the hospital when he bumps into an old friend who says "Hey Tommy, nice to see you, what are doing at the hospital?"
Tommy says "I just got castrated".
The friend says "You mean circumcised?"
Tommy says "Yeah, that's the word".
jssailem
SBO Weather and Forecasting Forum Jim & John
- Oct 22, 2014
- 22,076
Mark Twain once commented:
“Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.” – Mark Twain
I wonder what he would think of today’s automated phone answering.
“Why do I press ‘1’ for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?"
“Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.” – Mark Twain
I wonder what he would think of today’s automated phone answering.
“Why do I press ‘1’ for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?"
You know you’re a sailor.
Whenever you go anywhere you instinctively look up for your wind indicator.
Whenever you go anywhere you instinctively look up for your wind indicator.
That's so true. Or even mentioning the current wind condition in conversation with nonsailors and getting that blank look.
So.... you've met my wife?That's so true. Or even mentioning the current wind condition in conversation with nonsailors and getting that blank look.
You know you’re a sailor.
Whenever you go anywhere you instinctively look up for your wind indicator.
[/QUOTE]
or......
You instinctively look over your shoulder to see whether you are being overtaken.
Whenever you go anywhere you instinctively look up for your wind indicator.
[/QUOTE]
or......
You instinctively look over your shoulder to see whether you are being overtaken.
My dad is a lifelong sailor who taught me to sail when I was about 10. I don't think I've ever heard him say "boy, it's windy today". Instead, it's "wow, good day for sailing".That's so true. Or even mentioning the current wind condition in conversation with nonsailors and getting that blank look.
I am extremely fortunate that my wife has adopted this practice.
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services
The Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
And this one just about sums them all up
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
The Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
And this one just about sums them all up
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
jssailem
SBO Weather and Forecasting Forum Jim & John
- Oct 22, 2014
- 22,076