Time to laugh a "little".

shemandr · Feb 21, 2011

Thanks, I needed that.
Here's another:
A guy walks into a bar. He orders three beers and sets them up side by side. He drinks them one sip from each down the line. The next day he returns and does the same, and again and again for a week. Finally the bartender askes why he sets the beers up side by side and drinks one sip from each in turn. He answers it's his way of spending time with his brothers in Australia and America. Every day they all visit their local saloon and have three beers to share with one another. This goes on for years until one day the man comes in and orders two beers. The bartender, sensitive to his practice, offers his condonances for the passing of one of his brothers. The man says, Thank you my brothers are well and good. It just that my doctor told me to quit drinking.

All U Get · Feb 21, 2011

Yeah, my doctor last year got me to give up smoking, drinking, and loose women. Worse fifteen minutes of my life.

Thanks Steve
All U Get

Ed Schenck · Feb 21, 2011

That's good Steve. Wish I knew some clean boat stories. But I did find a few reasons why sailing is better than sex:

•

[FONT=Times New Roman,Times New Roman][FONT=Times New Roman,Times New Roman]You don't have to hide your collection of sailboat magazines.
• It's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Sail with you once in a while.
• It's perfectly respectable to Sail with a total stranger.
• When you see a really good Sailor, you don't have feel guilty about imagining the two of you Sailing together.
• Nobody will ever tell you that if you Sail by yourself, you’ll go blind.
• There are no Sailing-transmitted diseases.
• Your Sailing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Sailed last week! Is Sailing all you ever think about?"

[/FONT][/FONT]

PrincessoftheLake · Feb 21, 2011

Excellent! Thanks for the giggle.

Rick Webb · Feb 21, 2011

Here is One Just Sent to Me

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

See.......Not All Seniors Are Senile

RichBone · Feb 22, 2011

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in North Dakota.
He drives to North Dakota, looks at the cow, reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.

Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow and takes it home.

He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says,"Hey Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, yah?"
Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota".

Rich

Roger Long · Feb 22, 2011

Three sailors are travelling by Amtrack for an charter cruise in Florida. At the station, they each buy a ticket and watch as the three college kids headed for spring break buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the sailors. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the kids.

They all board the train. The sailors take their respective seats but all three kids cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

When the sailors arrive at the station for the return trip, they see the same college kids and decide to try the ticket trick But, the college boys never get in line and don't buy any tickets.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one of the sailors.

"Watch and learn bro," answers a college kid.

When they board the train the three sailors cram into a toilet and the students cram into another nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the students leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the sailors are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please".

Ed Schenck · Feb 22, 2011

Excellent laughs!! And a couple of you aren't even snowbound. So here are statements never spoken at the recent Miami boat show:
1. "It’s free."
2. "Maybe you should look at something a little less expensive. We wouldn’t want you to over-extend yourself."
3. "Don’t sign anything now. First go home and discuss it with your wife."
4. "Sir, after seeing you and your wife, I’d like to recommend the trim-tab option."
5. "This little honey was named ‘Boat of the Year’ by the National Towing Association."
6. "Actually, they depreciate very rapidly. The reason they’re marked so high is so that I can get my commission."

lehighsail · Feb 22, 2011

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, And as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them

And she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy toh ave such a large collection of Teddy Bears, she is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
But doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

Peggie Hall HeadMistress · Feb 22, 2011

16 Things It Took Me YEARS to learn...

1. Never, NEVER... under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important)

7. Never ever... lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person..
(This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. .Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine . They start out as grapes; and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

PrincessoftheLake · Feb 22, 2011

Peggy- I love all of them but especially #16!!!

MJWarner · Feb 22, 2011

Ditto Peg! (13,15,16) priceless!

Rich Stidger · Feb 22, 2011

PrincessoftheLake said:
Peggy- I love all of them but especially #16!!!

HEY!! What do you mean you especially loved #16? Geez, POTL, I don't see where #16 is funny at all.....

Winkfish · Feb 22, 2011

A couple from New Jersey were driving through New York to see the Niagara Falls when they were pulled over by a cop. The wife was hard of hearing. The cop walked up to the driver's side and this is how the conversation went:

Cop to hubby: you know you were speeding.

Wife: What did he say?

Hubby to wife: HE SAID I WAS SPEEDING.

Cop: Let me see your license please.

Wife: What'd he say?

Hubby: HE SAID HE WANTS TO SEE MY LICENSE.

Cop: I see you're from New Jersey.

Wife: What's he say?

Hubby: HE SAID HE SEES WE'RE FROM NEW JERSEY.

Cop: I was there once. Had the worst sexual experience of my life.

Wife: What'd he say?

Hubby: HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU.

PrincessoftheLake · Feb 22, 2011

Rich Stidger said:
HEY!! What do you mean you especially loved #16? Geez, POTL, I don't see where #16 is funny at all.....

Rich-
Mmmm, perhaps a bit more stomping???

LuzSD · Feb 22, 2011

Great ones Peggy, love 5,8,13 especially.
The Sailors on the Amtrak will be copied and shared, you guys are a barrel of fun!

woodster · Feb 22, 2011

Peggy number 7 reflects a very greedy person to say the least.....

PaulK · Feb 22, 2011

The three brothers and their beers above reminded me of the time Steve ordered a cold one, but found he needed desperately to hit the Head just as the brew landed on the counter in front of him. Not wanting to have someone in the crowded bar walk off with it while he was gone, he wrote "I spit in this beer." out on a napkin next to the frosty glass and dashed off to the Head. On his return, he was relieved to see the pint right where he'd left it, and lifted it for a deep draught. Until he saw "So did I." added to the bottom of the napkin.