Its funny Friday!
- Thread starter rgranger
- Start date
Boudreaux's wife wants a divorce
Boudreaux's wife wants a divorce but Boudreaux does not, so he asks the lawyer, "Why does Evangeline want a divorce? I thought I was a good husband, me!"
The lawyer replies, "Evangeline said you have been a good husband for the most part but it's three behaviors of yours that bother her so much that she just can't stand it anymore. She said you're always picking your nose, you always use cold water to wash the dishes, and you never let her on top when you make love."
Boudreaux thinks for a minute before he responds, "20 years ago, when I ax her daddy if I could marry Evangeline, he made me promise him three things: 1) I got to keep my nose clean, me. 2) I got to stay out of hot water. And 3) I got to stay on top of things."
Boudreaux's wife wants a divorce but Boudreaux does not, so he asks the lawyer, "Why does Evangeline want a divorce? I thought I was a good husband, me!"
The lawyer replies, "Evangeline said you have been a good husband for the most part but it's three behaviors of yours that bother her so much that she just can't stand it anymore. She said you're always picking your nose, you always use cold water to wash the dishes, and you never let her on top when you make love."
Boudreaux thinks for a minute before he responds, "20 years ago, when I ax her daddy if I could marry Evangeline, he made me promise him three things: 1) I got to keep my nose clean, me. 2) I got to stay out of hot water. And 3) I got to stay on top of things."
you forgot rules 9 and 10
9. Bring her home on time, I will be here cleaning my rifle
10. Bring her home late and my rifle will be clean and ready to use!
Once there was a father who sat on the front step sharpening his hunting knife. He smiled at the young looking college freshman who was coming up the walk. The father smiled at the young lad and asked "when will you be returning to night?"
At that moment the daughter comes out the front door. "Dad!"
"Don't mind him let's go!"
Later the Dad learned that the boy wanted to know what the Dad does with that knife.
The daughter said "Guts deer."
Don't know what happened, but the college freshman did not return. Must not have been a fun guy....
At that moment the daughter comes out the front door. "Dad!"
"Don't mind him let's go!"
Later the Dad learned that the boy wanted to know what the Dad does with that knife.
The daughter said "Guts deer."
Don't know what happened, but the college freshman did not return. Must not have been a fun guy....
I was at the supermarket today and asked a clerk where they kept the canned peaches. He said "I'll see" and walked away. I asked another and he also said "I'll see" and walked away. In the end I found them myself, in aisle C.
Groan.......
When the boy arrives to pickup your daughter, throw a shotgun shell at him and say, they travel a lot faster after ten o'clock.
-Will
COUNTRY WESTERN SONGS
That should be sung...
That should be sung...
- She got the ring and I got the finger
- There ain’t enough room in my Fruit of the Looms to hold all my lovin’ for you
- Get your tongue outta my mouth ‘cause I’m kissing you goodbye
- If I can’t be number one in your life, then it’s number two on you
- If I had shot you when I wanted to, I’d be out by now
- Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in bed
- Gave her my heart and a diamond, and she clubbed me with a spade
- Mama get the hammer (there’s a fly on papa’s head)
- It’s hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your ass out all day long
- She got the gold mine and I got the shaft
- I’m so miserable without you, it’s like having you here
Then there is the sage advise.
“He who fights with wife all day… gets no piece at night”
“He who fights with wife all day… gets no piece at night”
I have one and she just got engaged. I'm happy for her. No need to constantly brandish my shotguns, he knows I own several and just inherited my father's AK. Or, he suspects.
Honestly, he's a great guy with a good job in I.T.
-Will
So he may have a future. That is encouraging for the possibility of grandkids.
They are the gift that keeps giving. Especially the first time you here your daughter say to her kids the phrase you always used with her.
They are the gift that keeps giving. Especially the first time you here your daughter say to her kids the phrase you always used with her.
Some more country songs:
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
I Wanna Whip Your Cow
I Would Have Writ You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
If My Nose Were Full Of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
I Married Her Just Because She Looks Like You
My Tears Have Washed "I Love You" Off The Blackboard Of My Heart
Don't Cry On My Shoulders 'Cause You're Rustin' My Spurs
I Can't Love Your Body If Your Heart's Not In It
I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out Of Town
I'll Get Over You As Soon As You Get Out From Under Him
I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home
If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick I'll Fall In Love
It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long
Learning To Live Again Is Killing Me
She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without
If You Don't Believe I Love You Just Ask My Wife
Timber, I'm Falling in Love
You're the First Time I Thought About Leaving
Love Will Beat Your Brains Out
Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart
The Pint of No Return
This Time I'm Gonna Beat You to the Truck
I've Got You on My Conscience But At Least You're Off My Back
Bridge Washed Out, I Can't Swim and My Baby's on the Other Side
The Worst You Ever Gave Me Was the Best I Ever Had
She Even Woke Me Up to Say Goodbye
We Used to Just Kiss on the Lips But Now It's All Over
If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You
When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town)
You Stuck My Heart In a Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log
He's Been Drunk Since His Wife's Gone Punk
I Bought the Boots That Just Walked Out On Me
Ever Since I Said "I Do," There's a Lot of Things You Don't
The Next Time You Throw That Fryin' Pan, My Face Ain't Gonna Be There
I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2
I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine
I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
I Knew I'd Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of You
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I Meant Every Word That He Said
I'm Not Married But The Wife Is
- How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away? —Dan Hicks & His Hot Licks, 1969
- I Flushed You from the Toilets of My Heart —J.D. Blackfoot, 1975
- Don't Believe my Heart Can Stand Another You —Tanya Tucker, 1976
- How Come your Dog don't Bite Nobody but Me? —Mel Tillis, 1975
- I Wouldn't Take Her to a Dogfight (Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win) —Charlie Walker, 1967
- You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith Too —The Statler Brothers, 1968
- If the Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me —Rusty Ford, 2012
- I Keep Forgettin' That I Forgot About You —Wynn Stewart, 1965
- Don't Strike A Match To The Book Of Love —Hal Ketchum, 1991
- Her Only Bad Habit Is Me —George Strait, 1991
- Please Bypass This Heart —Jimmy Buffett, 1985
- She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart —Homer Haynes and Jethro Burns, 1962
- Thank God And Greyhound You're Gone —Roy Clark, 1970
- Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under? —Shania Twain, 1995
- You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat —Lewis Grizzard, 1987
- You're A Hard Dog To Keep Under The Porch —Gail Davies, 1983
- You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly —Conway Twitty and Loretta Lynn, 1978
- Who's Gonna Take the Garbage Out (When I'm Dead And Gone?) —Loretta Lynn and Ernest Tubb, 1969
- When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In —Bill Anderson, 1961
- She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger —Chuck Mead, 2009
- Redneck Martians Stole My Baby —Hank Flamingo, 1994
- If The Jukebox Took Teardrops —Danni Leigh, 1990
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
I Wanna Whip Your Cow
I Would Have Writ You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
If My Nose Were Full Of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
I Married Her Just Because She Looks Like You
My Tears Have Washed "I Love You" Off The Blackboard Of My Heart
Don't Cry On My Shoulders 'Cause You're Rustin' My Spurs
I Can't Love Your Body If Your Heart's Not In It
I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out Of Town
I'll Get Over You As Soon As You Get Out From Under Him
I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home
If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick I'll Fall In Love
It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long
Learning To Live Again Is Killing Me
She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without
If You Don't Believe I Love You Just Ask My Wife
Timber, I'm Falling in Love
You're the First Time I Thought About Leaving
Love Will Beat Your Brains Out
Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart
The Pint of No Return
This Time I'm Gonna Beat You to the Truck
I've Got You on My Conscience But At Least You're Off My Back
Bridge Washed Out, I Can't Swim and My Baby's on the Other Side
The Worst You Ever Gave Me Was the Best I Ever Had
She Even Woke Me Up to Say Goodbye
We Used to Just Kiss on the Lips But Now It's All Over
If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You
When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town)
You Stuck My Heart In a Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log
He's Been Drunk Since His Wife's Gone Punk
I Bought the Boots That Just Walked Out On Me
Ever Since I Said "I Do," There's a Lot of Things You Don't
The Next Time You Throw That Fryin' Pan, My Face Ain't Gonna Be There
I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2
I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine
I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
I Knew I'd Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of You
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I Meant Every Word That He Said
I'm Not Married But The Wife Is