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Funny Friday!!!

Oct 19, 2017
4,908
O'Day 19 Littleton, NH
I was trying to come up with a good pun for this post. I came up with ten possible choices. I examined each of them to be sure they met with the high standards demanded by the members of SBO, but sadly, no pun in ten did:(

-Will (Dragonfly)
 
Oct 19, 2017
4,908
O'Day 19 Littleton, NH
In court, the shipping company’s lawyer was questioning Capt'n Clyde. “Didn’t you say, when the coast guard picked you up, ‘I’m fine.'” asked the lawyer?

Capt'n Clyde answered, “Well, I’ll tell ya what happen'. I 'ad just loaded my lobsta traps and tol, Bessie, my labador retrieva, to fetch me a drink…”

“I did not ask you for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, when the coast guard came aboard your boat, ‘I’m fine?'”

Capt'n Clyde said, “Well, I had just got my drink from Bessie and I was headin' out the channel.”

The lawyer interrupted again, insensed and said “Judge, I’m trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the collision, this man told the coast guard officer, onboard his boat, that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time, the judge was beginning to get interested in Capt'n Clyde’s story. He had a labrador retriever himself and wanted to hear about this trick of fetching a drink. The judge said to the lawyer “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his labrador retriever Bessie.”

Capt'n Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded.

“Weell, as I was sayin', I had just got my drink from Bessie, and thanked her for it, of course. So I was steering out of the channel to pull my next set of traps the next cove over, when this hunner ton island freighter came steaming out of the next cove like the Kraken was after him. He gave no blast on his horn coming around the blind bend, cut the channel right behind Siren Rock and run right into the side of me. I was thrown under the gunnells on one side and Bessie was thrown under t'other. I was hurtin' real bad from a knock on my head and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and whining. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her cries.
When the coast guard came onboard he could hear Bessie moaning and whining so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the officer came across the boat, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, ‘how are you feeling?’

Now what the blown spume would you say?”

-Will (Dragonfly)
 
Oct 19, 2017
4,908
O'Day 19 Littleton, NH
My father's best friend was a centenarian. They met every Friday for lunch.
The friend died and at his funeral, while talking with other friends after the eulogy, my father turned to another friend, the oldest in the surviving group, and said, "You're next"
Everybody gasped, then laughed.
He meant, "You're next for Friday lunches."

-Will (Dragonfly)
 
Oct 31, 2012
283
Hunter 2008 H25 Lake Wabamun
Couple of buddies decided to play a round of golf before going sailing.
George teed off first and hooked the ball straight into the forest. “Well that one is sure to be lost” he said and proceeded to take a mulligan.
Frank was next and took out a special ball for his first shot. He told George that this is a special ball that you can't lose. If, for example, it lands in a thick dark forest, it starts to glow so can be easily found. If hit into tall grass, it emits a beeping sound so you can walk to it. And, if it’s hit into water, it floats to the surface and propels its way to the shore for easy retrieval.
George was very impressed by what he heard and asked where Frank got this ball.
“I found it”,Frank said.
 
Oct 19, 2017
4,908
O'Day 19 Littleton, NH
Found this on one of my father's favorite sites: https://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/268/A-Conversation-With-A-Scammer

A Conversation With A Scammer

July 10, 2019



Me: "Hello."

NOT-Microsoft support: "Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device."

Me: "Oh no. My device? Are you sure?"

NOT-Microsoft support: "Oh yes, we have many reports."

Me: "Oh jeez. How can I fix it?"

NOT-Microsoft support: "It's OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?"

Me: "Yes. I was just about to use it. I'm glad you called."

NOT-Microsoft support: "Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?"

Me: "I think it's already on."

NOT-Microsoft support: "Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel."

Me: "I don't see that."

NOT-Microsoft support: "Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?"

Me: "Yes."

NOT-Microsoft support: "That is your Control Panel."

Me: "Wow, I didn't realize it had a name."

NOT-Microsoft support: "Yes sir, now press on Internet Options."

Me: "Yeah, I definitely don't see any Internet options. I don't think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one."

NOT-Microsoft support: "They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again."

Me: "OK, it's the same as before."

NOT-Microsoft support: "That's OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?"

Me: "Ummm…I don't know how. I've never turned it off. Since I bought it it just kind of stays on all the time."

NOT-Microsoft support: "There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it's running?"

Me: "In those cases I usually press the big button beneath Stop/Cancel."

NOT-Microsoft support: "OK sir. Please press that button."

Me: "Ok."

NOT-Microsoft support: "Is your device off?"

Me: "No. The door popped open."

NOT-Microsoft support: "Door? Is there a disc inside the door?"

Me: "No, there's a burrito."

NOT-Microsoft support: "Why is there a burrito in your computer?"

Me: "Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support."

-Will (Dragonfly)
 
Jul 31, 2010
5,334
Hunter 260 Lake Murray Sailing Club, SC
Found this on one of my father's favorite sites: https://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/268/A-Conversation-With-A-Scammer

A Conversation With A Scammer

July 10, 2019



Me: "Hello."

NOT-Microsoft support: "Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device."

Me: "Oh no. My device? Are you sure?"

NOT-Microsoft support: "Oh yes, we have many reports."

Me: "Oh jeez. How can I fix it?"

NOT-Microsoft support: "It's OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?"

Me: "Yes. I was just about to use it. I'm glad you called."

NOT-Microsoft support: "Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?"

Me: "I think it's already on."

NOT-Microsoft support: "Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel."

Me: "I don't see that."

NOT-Microsoft support: "Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?"

Me: "Yes."

NOT-Microsoft support: "That is your Control Panel."

Me: "Wow, I didn't realize it had a name."

NOT-Microsoft support: "Yes sir, now press on Internet Options."

Me: "Yeah, I definitely don't see any Internet options. I don't think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one."

NOT-Microsoft support: "They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again."

Me: "OK, it's the same as before."

NOT-Microsoft support: "That's OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?"

Me: "Ummm…I don't know how. I've never turned it off. Since I bought it it just kind of stays on all the time."

NOT-Microsoft support: "There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it's running?"

Me: "In those cases I usually press the big button beneath Stop/Cancel."

NOT-Microsoft support: "OK sir. Please press that button."

Me: "Ok."

NOT-Microsoft support: "Is your device off?"

Me: "No. The door popped open."

NOT-Microsoft support: "Door? Is there a disc inside the door?"

Me: "No, there's a burrito."

NOT-Microsoft support: "Why is there a burrito in your computer?"

Me: "Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support."

-Will (Dragonfly)
:beer::beer::beer::beer::beer::beer:
 
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