Its funny Friday!
- Thread starter rgranger
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| Austrailian married shelter-in-place humor: The missus isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how... I didn't even know it was her birthday! After too many beers, my mate asked if he could crash out on my sofa. I had to explain to him that I'm married now, so that's where I sleep. The missus said she's leaving me because I invade her privacy too often. At least that's what it says in her diary. As me and the missus headed off on a romantic holiday, we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other. She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed." So I planted a kilo of cocaine in her suitcase. Woman to husband: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight!” Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on." My mate is thinking about asking his ex-missus to re-marry him, but he's worried she’ll think he is just after her for his money. Two guys in a health club, one is putting on a pair of women’s lace knickers. 1st guy: "Since when do you wear women's underwear?" 2nd guy: "Since the missus found ‘em in the glove box." My missus left me for another bloke. All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out. And while the poor bastard's going through all that, I'll be down at the pub with my mates every night! My missus left a note on the fridge: "It's not working. I can't take it anymore, I'm going to live with my mum." I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell is she on about?" My missus said I need to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day … for no reason! |
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
That's fiction according to my wife. If the nails were real, you would see half of the nail bed because you can't go to the nail salon.
And who knew that Cousin It would be a trend setter when the Adams Family was on the air? That's what we're all going to look like by the time we get back to our barbers.
And who knew that Cousin It would be a trend setter when the Adams Family was on the air? That's what we're all going to look like by the time we get back to our barbers.