Oil and Water don't mix. The same seems to holds true for women and boats...I think. My experience is that after we got the boat, the honeymoon was over. Sailing has really put a crink in the relationship and I see the the day when the boat...or I has to go. How common a story is that? At my club I am one of many guys in that situation. Advice please.
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Welcome to the club John..
Mine has no problem with a day 'sail'. To her, a day 'sail' means *motoring* someplace, dropping the hook, and hanging out. Cool, but the term does not include the use of sails at all. She says I can do all that 'crazy' stuff with my friends. No problem.... WOB = wife overboard. Sailing women can't be made...they must be found. (full credit to one of the pirates at the Lats and Atts board)
Mine has no problem with a day 'sail'. To her, a day 'sail' means *motoring* someplace, dropping the hook, and hanging out. Cool, but the term does not include the use of sails at all. She says I can do all that 'crazy' stuff with my friends. No problem.... WOB = wife overboard. Sailing women can't be made...they must be found. (full credit to one of the pirates at the Lats and Atts board)
Believe it or not,
...there was a woman on this forum 2+ years ago who claimed she divorced her husband because he did _not_ like to sail. Go figure. (Or go find 'er!) ...RickM...
...there was a woman on this forum 2+ years ago who claimed she divorced her husband because he did _not_ like to sail. Go figure. (Or go find 'er!) ...RickM...
Adapt
Start slow. Let her make the boat her own by way of decorating, projects, etc. Don't hem her in on these, these are her choices. Ask her advice on priorities. Do a lot of short sails with easy overnighters. Entertain on the boat. Having said all that, there may still be a difference of perspective. Split it up. Take they guys racing or on the longer cruses. Single hand when you want to daysail. I know it's great to have your wife on the same wavelength as to sailing, but be satisfied with less than what you consider perfect. 25 years ago, my wife got seasick in the harbor when it was mirror-smooth on our first trip. Now, she's hung in there and is a great host and companion. She does not like just daysailing and doesn't do races or overnighters. I have friends that do. It works out fine. Good luck, Rick D.
Start slow. Let her make the boat her own by way of decorating, projects, etc. Don't hem her in on these, these are her choices. Ask her advice on priorities. Do a lot of short sails with easy overnighters. Entertain on the boat. Having said all that, there may still be a difference of perspective. Split it up. Take they guys racing or on the longer cruses. Single hand when you want to daysail. I know it's great to have your wife on the same wavelength as to sailing, but be satisfied with less than what you consider perfect. 25 years ago, my wife got seasick in the harbor when it was mirror-smooth on our first trip. Now, she's hung in there and is a great host and companion. She does not like just daysailing and doesn't do races or overnighters. I have friends that do. It works out fine. Good luck, Rick D.
Try womenship
After my wife and I bought our first boat she enrolled in the womenship course. This is a course taught to women by women. My wife took a great interest in sailing from this course she loves the navigation part. Just this past Saturday we were sailing Eastern Bay when we noticed the fresh water pump was not working. She sailed the boat while I went below and made the repair. (bad negative connection)
After my wife and I bought our first boat she enrolled in the womenship course. This is a course taught to women by women. My wife took a great interest in sailing from this course she loves the navigation part. Just this past Saturday we were sailing Eastern Bay when we noticed the fresh water pump was not working. She sailed the boat while I went below and made the repair. (bad negative connection)
My Sympathies
Many guys at the club we belong to are in the same position. One of the the commonalities among many are a lack of accommodation and patience. Some will refuse to reef to keep the boat upright when it blows, and some are not patient with their spouses. The couples we know that do well together and share a love of sailing work well together in smooth seas and wild blows. I had been race crew when we bought our boat, but she hadn't even been able to just ride under sail. That was a big risk, but she's taken to it quite well. The first accommodation was to buy a boat that she had an eye for as well. Of course, there's nothing wrong with anchoring either. A few weeks ago we had several boats rafted for wine and cheese. Two of those were experienced racers, but they also appreciate the more genteel side of sailing. Both have been in the race from St Petersburg to Isla Mujeres and experienced 40' seas. Maybe commit to reefing earlier and not being afraid to ease the sheets a little either. A boat heling too much is giving up its VMG to leeway anyway. Don't worry about the other guys going a little faster. Take the time to let her learn her own way at her own pace. She might become more confident and enjoy it more.
Many guys at the club we belong to are in the same position. One of the the commonalities among many are a lack of accommodation and patience. Some will refuse to reef to keep the boat upright when it blows, and some are not patient with their spouses. The couples we know that do well together and share a love of sailing work well together in smooth seas and wild blows. I had been race crew when we bought our boat, but she hadn't even been able to just ride under sail. That was a big risk, but she's taken to it quite well. The first accommodation was to buy a boat that she had an eye for as well. Of course, there's nothing wrong with anchoring either. A few weeks ago we had several boats rafted for wine and cheese. Two of those were experienced racers, but they also appreciate the more genteel side of sailing. Both have been in the race from St Petersburg to Isla Mujeres and experienced 40' seas. Maybe commit to reefing earlier and not being afraid to ease the sheets a little either. A boat heling too much is giving up its VMG to leeway anyway. Don't worry about the other guys going a little faster. Take the time to let her learn her own way at her own pace. She might become more confident and enjoy it more.
What works for us
Sailing is a big part of our lives together, but it took us awhile to develop a system that keeps us both happy. I've been sailing a larger portion of my life, so as a result I have more experience. When we first started sailing together I'd run the boat. When the wind kicks in I always get excited and want to sail as much as possible. I enjoy tweaking sails and getting the most out of the boat. This became an irritation with my wife who would rather make a setting and be done with it (i.e. book open). I'd ask her to sheet out a little bit moments after asking her to sheet in. Our method for getting around this is she almost always drives under sail. It turns out she's an excellent skipper! We're both happy as I can run around the boat and play with sail controls while she maximizes lifts etc. It's worked for us! Trevor
Sailing is a big part of our lives together, but it took us awhile to develop a system that keeps us both happy. I've been sailing a larger portion of my life, so as a result I have more experience. When we first started sailing together I'd run the boat. When the wind kicks in I always get excited and want to sail as much as possible. I enjoy tweaking sails and getting the most out of the boat. This became an irritation with my wife who would rather make a setting and be done with it (i.e. book open). I'd ask her to sheet out a little bit moments after asking her to sheet in. Our method for getting around this is she almost always drives under sail. It turns out she's an excellent skipper! We're both happy as I can run around the boat and play with sail controls while she maximizes lifts etc. It's worked for us! Trevor
life is strange
First off I want to say I got hooked on sailing when I was a teen. Got away from it trying to achieve life goals. My ex filled my last life goal, but it turned out to be temporary. She was a great woman who was full of adventure and would have loved sailing...but I never got back to sailing until after she left me and as a result of her leaving me is how I got back into sailing. Now I single handle all the time and do pretty good at it. So if there ever is a next one, she can just relax and enjoy the ride most of the time. Now if I had a choice like you seem to have now and after my loss, I would definately sale the boat. So, if your wife is the love of your life like my woman was, I would say sale it if it comes anywhere near that point, but if not, then keep the boat and be patient with her. Note: Many women keep things inside them and we don't even know about it until it's too late...so...the boat may be more of an issue now then you may even think...so be careful.
First off I want to say I got hooked on sailing when I was a teen. Got away from it trying to achieve life goals. My ex filled my last life goal, but it turned out to be temporary. She was a great woman who was full of adventure and would have loved sailing...but I never got back to sailing until after she left me and as a result of her leaving me is how I got back into sailing. Now I single handle all the time and do pretty good at it. So if there ever is a next one, she can just relax and enjoy the ride most of the time. Now if I had a choice like you seem to have now and after my loss, I would definately sale the boat. So, if your wife is the love of your life like my woman was, I would say sale it if it comes anywhere near that point, but if not, then keep the boat and be patient with her. Note: Many women keep things inside them and we don't even know about it until it's too late...so...the boat may be more of an issue now then you may even think...so be careful.
my experience
Is still a work in progress. My wife was adamant about not getting a boat. She still claims to hate it, but she's she one yelling yee-ha when the wind kicks up. She doesn't think we've sailed unless the toerail gets baptised a couple of times. We also had our first lunch at anchor on the last sail, and the peace of it seemed to work well for her too. After that she was talking about how to pull off our first overnighter. I think patience and varied experiences with the boat are what's working so far for us.
Is still a work in progress. My wife was adamant about not getting a boat. She still claims to hate it, but she's she one yelling yee-ha when the wind kicks up. She doesn't think we've sailed unless the toerail gets baptised a couple of times. We also had our first lunch at anchor on the last sail, and the peace of it seemed to work well for her too. After that she was talking about how to pull off our first overnighter. I think patience and varied experiences with the boat are what's working so far for us.
Boy, if this doesn't sound like the loosers club,
Carla, from Cheers, remember. I must add my 2 cents.Thought I had my perfect sail mate a couple of years ago. She seemed to love the boat and the whole atmosphere. Encouraged her to steer as often as possible. She seemed to enjoy, again. All of a sudden a gust came along, boat rounded up, wouldn't steer any more. Next season, wouldn't go unless it was 85 deg., and no wind. Didn't make it to the next season. Still looking for perfect sail mate.
Carla, from Cheers, remember. I must add my 2 cents.Thought I had my perfect sail mate a couple of years ago. She seemed to love the boat and the whole atmosphere. Encouraged her to steer as often as possible. She seemed to enjoy, again. All of a sudden a gust came along, boat rounded up, wouldn't steer any more. Next season, wouldn't go unless it was 85 deg., and no wind. Didn't make it to the next season. Still looking for perfect sail mate.
I let her choose the boat to buy...
a compromise for me but worth it. She hated stinky old boats and traditional looking. The hunter 36 gave her the feeling she was in a small apartment.... stand up front loading refrigirator and freezer, contemporary looks, and fresh water head (less smell). She selected the decoration, colors, flat screen....well you get the messege. In addition, she always feels cold so I installed a diesel heater. She wanted more water, I installed an xtra 20 gal tank. She wanted hot water and fresh coffee in the morning, I bought Honda2000 generator. I also make sure the boat is also clean and smells nice before she arrives....I prepare the boat the day ahead. When we go out for a few days, our meals are simple, I bbq, help clean, and do what she wants. No, I am not castrated nor did I marry a princess. She works harder than I do and I want her time off on the boat to be as pleasant as possible. It has worked for us very well and I catch her reading Sail magazine and talking about "wouldn't it be nice to have a bigger boat". Oh, talking about how our son will be going off to college in a few years and wouldn't it be nice to have a boat we could all enjoy those last few years didn't hurt either. Our son also enjoys comming since we let him choose the dvd to bring, games to play, kayak vs snorkling, as well as minimize the work he has to do on the boat. By the way, I am 45 and took me 20 years of marriage to learn what I just wrote. good luck abe
a compromise for me but worth it. She hated stinky old boats and traditional looking. The hunter 36 gave her the feeling she was in a small apartment.... stand up front loading refrigirator and freezer, contemporary looks, and fresh water head (less smell). She selected the decoration, colors, flat screen....well you get the messege. In addition, she always feels cold so I installed a diesel heater. She wanted more water, I installed an xtra 20 gal tank. She wanted hot water and fresh coffee in the morning, I bought Honda2000 generator. I also make sure the boat is also clean and smells nice before she arrives....I prepare the boat the day ahead. When we go out for a few days, our meals are simple, I bbq, help clean, and do what she wants. No, I am not castrated nor did I marry a princess. She works harder than I do and I want her time off on the boat to be as pleasant as possible. It has worked for us very well and I catch her reading Sail magazine and talking about "wouldn't it be nice to have a bigger boat". Oh, talking about how our son will be going off to college in a few years and wouldn't it be nice to have a boat we could all enjoy those last few years didn't hurt either. Our son also enjoys comming since we let him choose the dvd to bring, games to play, kayak vs snorkling, as well as minimize the work he has to do on the boat. By the way, I am 45 and took me 20 years of marriage to learn what I just wrote. good luck abe
Wife and Boat
Dear John The problem is nown. She did not step for two years into untill a friend convinced me to let her know how we enjoy it, especialy when some friends bring feminin stuff during the week end. Then, I anounced that this summer I am going holidays by boat and who is going with me? Now,after the first holidays, she is more than happy. It took three years for her to see her as toy rather than enemy. Also pay attention to the fact that you invested so much money for something that is not of her interest. As a friend told you above: welcome to the club. Best regards George
Dear John The problem is nown. She did not step for two years into untill a friend convinced me to let her know how we enjoy it, especialy when some friends bring feminin stuff during the week end. Then, I anounced that this summer I am going holidays by boat and who is going with me? Now,after the first holidays, she is more than happy. It took three years for her to see her as toy rather than enemy. Also pay attention to the fact that you invested so much money for something that is not of her interest. As a friend told you above: welcome to the club. Best regards George
I lucked out!!!
I married into a sailing family and quickly learned the ropes (pun intended) My Father in law, and his 3 sons all own sailboats and now his only daughter and I do as well. She loves all aspects of sailing as do I. Color me lucky!
I married into a sailing family and quickly learned the ropes (pun intended) My Father in law, and his 3 sons all own sailboats and now his only daughter and I do as well. She loves all aspects of sailing as do I. Color me lucky!
Sorry about that
My wife is a big part of sailing for me. She does most of the cooking and helps with the sheets and navigation. She is unable to raise the anchor. When we first started sailing she was a little timid but last year she was the one who goaded me into sailing on a 20-25 knot day. She asked if we were sailers or dock sitters. 15 minutes later we were out in Mobile bay with shore to shore whitecaps. We had a great day that I would have missed if she hadn't been a eager crew. My first wife didn't enjoy sailing except on a lake or inlet. that marriage didn't last very long. Tom
My wife is a big part of sailing for me. She does most of the cooking and helps with the sheets and navigation. She is unable to raise the anchor. When we first started sailing she was a little timid but last year she was the one who goaded me into sailing on a 20-25 knot day. She asked if we were sailers or dock sitters. 15 minutes later we were out in Mobile bay with shore to shore whitecaps. We had a great day that I would have missed if she hadn't been a eager crew. My first wife didn't enjoy sailing except on a lake or inlet. that marriage didn't last very long. Tom
Easy sailing!
Ricks got the right idea. I lost one bird when I purchased my boat (big restoration project consume my time/money) however- here's my advice for keeping the girl- 1)boat must be immaculately clean BEFORE the girl arrives.2)First time on the boat should be strictly for drinks, music, candles lit, and/or romantic/comedy movie on the dvd.3)Don't sail until girl requests it and keep to short easy harbor cruises until she is ready and willing.***These steps have worked well for me, too well, which brings me to ask what should I do with a two month old baby on board!!!!!!!!!
Ricks got the right idea. I lost one bird when I purchased my boat (big restoration project consume my time/money) however- here's my advice for keeping the girl- 1)boat must be immaculately clean BEFORE the girl arrives.2)First time on the boat should be strictly for drinks, music, candles lit, and/or romantic/comedy movie on the dvd.3)Don't sail until girl requests it and keep to short easy harbor cruises until she is ready and willing.***These steps have worked well for me, too well, which brings me to ask what should I do with a two month old baby on board!!!!!!!!!
Cruising-Living Aboard was a Pre-Nup!
I was one heck of a lucky guy when I met a beautiful sailor from Rhode Island who said that if we married I MUST PROMISE to cruise and liveaboard a sailboat. PINCH ME!! I have several buddies who are green with envy because their wife's have lost or have taken limited interest with sailing, despite the high investment's in nice sailboats and hefty monthly payment. It seems that for several couples sailing is more to a save a marriage for the benefit of one partner then to approach it as a sport together. From my years of sailing, what start's out as a fun family activity, turns into the laborious task of keeping the vessel clean, lugging ice and groceries, dirty laundry, hanging together in tight quarters and that long ride to the marina. Let's face it, rolling into a camp site with a big RV is a lot easier. Add the heat, thunderstorms, seasickness, calm water, the constant adjustments, etc,. and maybe you have the formula for inevitable disaster. I can walk the dock's here in every marina and see boat after boat, filthy, with old rotted dock lines, layer's of dirt, bleached out teak and a tragic waste of time and money, because of a loss of interest. I view it as the end to what once was a great dream for so many. Can it be traced to a spouses (either husband or wife) lack of interest and passion for sailing? Obviously something is not right! I believe that if partners do not venture into this sport without a passion for the adventure and responsibility to one another first and foremost then nothing will click and it will be easier to find excuses to not go sailing. My wife and I are aware of the huge responsibility we have to maintian our vessel and the need to take the time aboard for both rest, relaxation and when the winds are right, to feel what only sailors can explain, "to get right with nature". I am indeed a lucky man to have found a woman who shares the same passion about sailing as I with all the good and bad experiences that can be wrapped around it. I will still walk down the docks and tie up those boats whose dock lines are on their last legs and still ponder the fate of that neglected sailboat. But I do realize something that gives me some hope and that is these boat owners are still paying high dockage fees year after year without the benefit of using their boats. Holding onto to hope perhaps? As I approach my vessel I am secure in knowing that my wife will never let our boat suffer the same and that sailing only strengthens our bonds and love of being on the water. I am indeed a fortunate man. Regards Bob PS. Sorry, she has no sisters!
I was one heck of a lucky guy when I met a beautiful sailor from Rhode Island who said that if we married I MUST PROMISE to cruise and liveaboard a sailboat. PINCH ME!! I have several buddies who are green with envy because their wife's have lost or have taken limited interest with sailing, despite the high investment's in nice sailboats and hefty monthly payment. It seems that for several couples sailing is more to a save a marriage for the benefit of one partner then to approach it as a sport together. From my years of sailing, what start's out as a fun family activity, turns into the laborious task of keeping the vessel clean, lugging ice and groceries, dirty laundry, hanging together in tight quarters and that long ride to the marina. Let's face it, rolling into a camp site with a big RV is a lot easier. Add the heat, thunderstorms, seasickness, calm water, the constant adjustments, etc,. and maybe you have the formula for inevitable disaster. I can walk the dock's here in every marina and see boat after boat, filthy, with old rotted dock lines, layer's of dirt, bleached out teak and a tragic waste of time and money, because of a loss of interest. I view it as the end to what once was a great dream for so many. Can it be traced to a spouses (either husband or wife) lack of interest and passion for sailing? Obviously something is not right! I believe that if partners do not venture into this sport without a passion for the adventure and responsibility to one another first and foremost then nothing will click and it will be easier to find excuses to not go sailing. My wife and I are aware of the huge responsibility we have to maintian our vessel and the need to take the time aboard for both rest, relaxation and when the winds are right, to feel what only sailors can explain, "to get right with nature". I am indeed a lucky man to have found a woman who shares the same passion about sailing as I with all the good and bad experiences that can be wrapped around it. I will still walk down the docks and tie up those boats whose dock lines are on their last legs and still ponder the fate of that neglected sailboat. But I do realize something that gives me some hope and that is these boat owners are still paying high dockage fees year after year without the benefit of using their boats. Holding onto to hope perhaps? As I approach my vessel I am secure in knowing that my wife will never let our boat suffer the same and that sailing only strengthens our bonds and love of being on the water. I am indeed a fortunate man. Regards Bob PS. Sorry, she has no sisters!
Lucky, but....
I have wanted to sail for most of my adult life. My first wife was of the opinion, "Stop being childish." My current squeeze (and wife) decided that if it was something I wanted so bad, we would try it. Two years ago, we bought a Chrysler 22 for use in the Gulf here. I can still remember one fateful trip where she was gently telling me..."DO YOU CALL THIS FUN???!!!" At that time I vowed to sell the boat and resign myself to being landlocked. But, she would have none of it. Ohhhh Noooo! "I AM NOT GOING TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU NOT HAVING THIS. WE ARE NOT SELLING THIS *&$#@!#@@ BOAT!" We went out several more times that summer and, luckily, we had good weather. She slowly warmed up to it. Last summer, we went out alot more. We got into some hairy weather situations, as you will around here. I will always remember the day when, as I was hanging on for dear life in eight foot seas trying to steer a less rocky course, looking over at her in the cockpit. She was calmly reading a magazine and sipping a fermented beverage. Later, I asked her if she had been scared. "Of what?" she asked. In August of last year, we bought our cruising boat, a 33' Glander Tavana. She is back to being a little nervouse, but that is due to the boats size and weight. Her idea is that we must sail as much as possible this year to get used to it. Quite a turnaround, if you ask me.
I have wanted to sail for most of my adult life. My first wife was of the opinion, "Stop being childish." My current squeeze (and wife) decided that if it was something I wanted so bad, we would try it. Two years ago, we bought a Chrysler 22 for use in the Gulf here. I can still remember one fateful trip where she was gently telling me..."DO YOU CALL THIS FUN???!!!" At that time I vowed to sell the boat and resign myself to being landlocked. But, she would have none of it. Ohhhh Noooo! "I AM NOT GOING TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU NOT HAVING THIS. WE ARE NOT SELLING THIS *&$#@!#@@ BOAT!" We went out several more times that summer and, luckily, we had good weather. She slowly warmed up to it. Last summer, we went out alot more. We got into some hairy weather situations, as you will around here. I will always remember the day when, as I was hanging on for dear life in eight foot seas trying to steer a less rocky course, looking over at her in the cockpit. She was calmly reading a magazine and sipping a fermented beverage. Later, I asked her if she had been scared. "Of what?" she asked. In August of last year, we bought our cruising boat, a 33' Glander Tavana. She is back to being a little nervouse, but that is due to the boats size and weight. Her idea is that we must sail as much as possible this year to get used to it. Quite a turnaround, if you ask me.
BOB Easy!
WOB is tricky, but the solution for a BOB is to get a nice young swedish nanny and bring her out on the boat with you. Just don't let your wife find out.
WOB is tricky, but the solution for a BOB is to get a nice young swedish nanny and bring her out on the boat with you. Just don't let your wife find out.
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