'Twas the night before Christmas, I swung on the hook With snowflakes a'landing, asleep with my book When up on the deck I heard footsteps and stuff "I've been boarded!" I thought, and I tried to be tough Then down the companionway hatch came a dude He was dressed like a nut and I thought, "I'm so screwed" But he laughed and he hummed as he surveyed my junk So I figured he must be the resident drunk His eyes were lit up like a junkie on speed But he gave me a whole bunch of stuff that I need Like rum and cigars and new charts and a dinghy And some kind of fancy electrical thingy I was sure it was stolen but I wasn't telling I just hoped he was giving and wasn't just selling So I poured him a grog which he downed with a wink Then I poured one for me (Lord I needed a drink!) Then he staggered above to the dark snowy night As I peeked I beheld an incredible sight Eight tiny dolphins and a beautiful sleigh And the dude hopped aboard and prepared to make way The dolphins were ready to power the sled But the guy raised a ginny and mains'l instead With a burp and a chuckle he gathered the breeze And called to the dolphins, now swimming with ease "Hey Stalker and FEMA and Cancer and Nixon! Or Stinky and Pepper Spray, Mason, and Dixon! Or whatever your names are, you cute little fishes, Here's to every last sailor, my best Christmas wishes!" As he sailed away leaving a wobbly wake I hoped he had not many stops left to make He got close to shore and he soon was aground But the dolphins proceeded to pull him around And I heard him exclaim as he sailed out of sight "Killer whales!! ...I'm just kidding, don't be so uptight! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"