My wife is great about sailing short term in sight of land but gets nervous as the trees get smaller and smaller. She also doesn't like the idea of living full time on a boat. I am wanting to move to the coast to sail more and she is wanting to move closer to her mother who has alzheimer's. When I suggest that she stay with her Mom for several months at a time she says that she doesn't like that idea. Anyway I am curious about how many go sailing without their spouse and does this lead to divorce???? Hopefully many go without a spouse and stay married. How many have given up their dreams of sailing the sea and have settled for the duck pond close to home?? Tom
Sailing without the wife(husband) long term???
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Maybe a Compromise?
First of all, it probably goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway), your marriage should be a higher priority, for both of you. I like the "I am third" philosophy, God first, family second, and I am third, but I'll leave religion out of this one. Your family (including the mother in law), comes next. Then, your hopes and dreams. All that said, how about this. You reach an agreement with your wife that you and she care for your ailing mother in law for as long as she needs the care. Then the two of you chase YOUR dream together. This would involve your wife making some sacrifice when the time comes, meaning that she has to put away and fight her fears. But that would be in return for your putting away your dreams for however many months and years it takes to give care to her mother. During that time, you could prepare yourself for your dream by sailing on some of those duck ponds, and she could prepare by possibly taking an ASA class.
First of all, it probably goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway), your marriage should be a higher priority, for both of you. I like the "I am third" philosophy, God first, family second, and I am third, but I'll leave religion out of this one. Your family (including the mother in law), comes next. Then, your hopes and dreams. All that said, how about this. You reach an agreement with your wife that you and she care for your ailing mother in law for as long as she needs the care. Then the two of you chase YOUR dream together. This would involve your wife making some sacrifice when the time comes, meaning that she has to put away and fight her fears. But that would be in return for your putting away your dreams for however many months and years it takes to give care to her mother. During that time, you could prepare yourself for your dream by sailing on some of those duck ponds, and she could prepare by possibly taking an ASA class.
A Life Changing Decision
My wife's Mother came down with Alzhiemers seven years ago. Three years ago, My wife quit her job to take care of her mother. Two years ago, we moved her into our home so my wife could care for her full time. This was a choice we made together. It was very easy for us to make this choice. But, it was our choice. My wife's mother finally succombed to her desease. We were grateful that our Lord took her and eased her pain and our sorrow. We put a lot of our dreams on hold, knowing her mother would be with us s short time. We just recently purchased our first sailboat, a Catalina 22. Our life is full right now. We have time for ourselves to do what we want when we want. It is sweeter because of the sacrifice we made. The decision has to be a joint decision. It will be all consuming. The light at the end of the tunnel for my wife and I was we knew that the desease would eventually take her mother. You also need to have a strong relationship to weather the decision. You can always go sailing. Make sure your decision is the right one for all persons involved. We sure do enjoy our Cat22. This Saturday is supposed to be beautiful on Cedar Creek Lake, TX. I hope we can raise some canvass and fill them with air.
My wife's Mother came down with Alzhiemers seven years ago. Three years ago, My wife quit her job to take care of her mother. Two years ago, we moved her into our home so my wife could care for her full time. This was a choice we made together. It was very easy for us to make this choice. But, it was our choice. My wife's mother finally succombed to her desease. We were grateful that our Lord took her and eased her pain and our sorrow. We put a lot of our dreams on hold, knowing her mother would be with us s short time. We just recently purchased our first sailboat, a Catalina 22. Our life is full right now. We have time for ourselves to do what we want when we want. It is sweeter because of the sacrifice we made. The decision has to be a joint decision. It will be all consuming. The light at the end of the tunnel for my wife and I was we knew that the desease would eventually take her mother. You also need to have a strong relationship to weather the decision. You can always go sailing. Make sure your decision is the right one for all persons involved. We sure do enjoy our Cat22. This Saturday is supposed to be beautiful on Cedar Creek Lake, TX. I hope we can raise some canvass and fill them with air.
one addition to herb's comments ...
Thoughful response Herb. I'd add one other thought for Tom in Panama City. My wife's sister has early onset Alzheimer's, has for maybe ten years. I'd guess it will take her this year. It's important for an Alzheimer's patient to have someone around to look after their interests. Reality is that the best/only way to get good care for them is to visit them and be around often. So proximity and frequency are important. Here's the point I am rambling on toward. It will take a toll on your wife, too. YOU need to be there and support HER while she in turn supports her mom. You can't be off sailing while she's dealing with this. But, when it's all over, she'll probably welcome some sunsets at anchor and some long walks on the beautiful white beaches you have in such abundance down there. I'd think some extended cruising would be an easy sell. Tom Monroe Carlyle Lake
Thoughful response Herb. I'd add one other thought for Tom in Panama City. My wife's sister has early onset Alzheimer's, has for maybe ten years. I'd guess it will take her this year. It's important for an Alzheimer's patient to have someone around to look after their interests. Reality is that the best/only way to get good care for them is to visit them and be around often. So proximity and frequency are important. Here's the point I am rambling on toward. It will take a toll on your wife, too. YOU need to be there and support HER while she in turn supports her mom. You can't be off sailing while she's dealing with this. But, when it's all over, she'll probably welcome some sunsets at anchor and some long walks on the beautiful white beaches you have in such abundance down there. I'd think some extended cruising would be an easy sell. Tom Monroe Carlyle Lake
Unfortunately the clock is ticking
My wife's aunt died of Alzheimers and her mother's twin sister has it too!!!! Genetics?? The twin Aunt no longer recognises my wife!!! Anyway my mother in law is 76 and her older sister died of it at about 80. I don't know that I'll be able to sail offshore 5 years from now!!! But sadly I agree with the general sentiment that family comes first. Fortunately my 81 year old mother still has a clear mind even if she has poor overall health.
My wife's aunt died of Alzheimers and her mother's twin sister has it too!!!! Genetics?? The twin Aunt no longer recognises my wife!!! Anyway my mother in law is 76 and her older sister died of it at about 80. I don't know that I'll be able to sail offshore 5 years from now!!! But sadly I agree with the general sentiment that family comes first. Fortunately my 81 year old mother still has a clear mind even if she has poor overall health.
A little far afield...
I agree with all of the previous posts' assessment of priorities and I greatly sympathize with those whose families are hit by Alzheimer's, but I think this thread has wandered a bit from the original question: has anyone out there had any experience in handling a situation where a husband/wife have differing sailing goals? I personally don't see this as any different than the other "standard" marital stress issues: how many children? where do we live? how do we spend our money? Successful marriages are those where the partners find a mutually acceptable compromise; the reverse is also obviously true. I try very hard not to nag my wife into going on trips she clearly doesn't want to take, and she tries very hard to accomodate my love of sailing. We don't always get it right, but we always try. I clearly have given up some of my dreams of sailing off into the sunset, but I get a lot in return. All in all, I know I have a great deal.
I agree with all of the previous posts' assessment of priorities and I greatly sympathize with those whose families are hit by Alzheimer's, but I think this thread has wandered a bit from the original question: has anyone out there had any experience in handling a situation where a husband/wife have differing sailing goals? I personally don't see this as any different than the other "standard" marital stress issues: how many children? where do we live? how do we spend our money? Successful marriages are those where the partners find a mutually acceptable compromise; the reverse is also obviously true. I try very hard not to nag my wife into going on trips she clearly doesn't want to take, and she tries very hard to accomodate my love of sailing. We don't always get it right, but we always try. I clearly have given up some of my dreams of sailing off into the sunset, but I get a lot in return. All in all, I know I have a great deal.
Fear of heeling
My wife wishes I'd dump the sail boat & buy a motor boat. I think a lot of people (wives?) can't get past the idea that the boat is going over. If and when I ever get my wife back out, it will be all down wind, no beating.
My wife wishes I'd dump the sail boat & buy a motor boat. I think a lot of people (wives?) can't get past the idea that the boat is going over. If and when I ever get my wife back out, it will be all down wind, no beating.
working at it
Great thoughts here, even if we are getting a bit off sailing. I ride motorcycles as well as sail. My wife wife took the MSF class to try and join me, but just couldn't get it. Then when she rides with me, the passenger set up was not comfortable for her. I let go of some of my chopper mentality and modified the bike with her comfort in mind, and now she likes to ride with me. When we were perhaps growing apart a bit a few years back, I said our parents will die and the children will move away, and we'd better be able to relate to what each other is into at that point. We both work at it all the time. I'm one lucky sailor/biker, among other things
Great thoughts here, even if we are getting a bit off sailing. I ride motorcycles as well as sail. My wife wife took the MSF class to try and join me, but just couldn't get it. Then when she rides with me, the passenger set up was not comfortable for her. I let go of some of my chopper mentality and modified the bike with her comfort in mind, and now she likes to ride with me. When we were perhaps growing apart a bit a few years back, I said our parents will die and the children will move away, and we'd better be able to relate to what each other is into at that point. We both work at it all the time. I'm one lucky sailor/biker, among other things
- Jan 22, 2008
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looking at the other side of the coin
My wife is not a sailor, and at best a reluctant one. I owned a succession of three small boats before our children went to school. Then I went without a boat for 15 years while we raised our family. Now I have a sailboat again, a daysailer with a small cuddy. My wife is still reluctant to sail, but I do get my sailing in, she talks about maybe coming with me sometime, and last year even bought herself a lifejacket. My boat is called Sail la Vie; I would rather be sailing it on my small pond and have a wife to come home to, than have a large boat called HMS Regrets, and not... have a wife to come home to. As I write this thread, I find the name of my boat quite ironic.
My wife is not a sailor, and at best a reluctant one. I owned a succession of three small boats before our children went to school. Then I went without a boat for 15 years while we raised our family. Now I have a sailboat again, a daysailer with a small cuddy. My wife is still reluctant to sail, but I do get my sailing in, she talks about maybe coming with me sometime, and last year even bought herself a lifejacket. My boat is called Sail la Vie; I would rather be sailing it on my small pond and have a wife to come home to, than have a large boat called HMS Regrets, and not... have a wife to come home to. As I write this thread, I find the name of my boat quite ironic.
Go Sailing.....and love you wife.
Give your wife all the support you can...but make it unconditional. Do not strike any bargains with her that she can't fulfill since it's obvious the cruising lifestyle has no appeal to her. Besides, the resentment(on both sides) created by such a bargain would create more problems. Going sailing without your wife will not lead to divorce. It will probably make your relationship healthier.
Give your wife all the support you can...but make it unconditional. Do not strike any bargains with her that she can't fulfill since it's obvious the cruising lifestyle has no appeal to her. Besides, the resentment(on both sides) created by such a bargain would create more problems. Going sailing without your wife will not lead to divorce. It will probably make your relationship healthier.
A lot of thought
This has been an issue for me in my 22 years of marriage. I had the live aboard dream, but not my wife. I have given that dream up. I came with a boat and the dream, so none of this is a surprise to my wife. I retire in June, and leave July 1st for 12 weeks of cruising. Shel will join me for some of it. At first she was not happy, but has accepted that this is important to me - I have told her for years I would be doing this. As for the Alzheimers - I have to agree, that you do need to be by your wife to support her in this. That is what marriage is about.
This has been an issue for me in my 22 years of marriage. I had the live aboard dream, but not my wife. I have given that dream up. I came with a boat and the dream, so none of this is a surprise to my wife. I retire in June, and leave July 1st for 12 weeks of cruising. Shel will join me for some of it. At first she was not happy, but has accepted that this is important to me - I have told her for years I would be doing this. As for the Alzheimers - I have to agree, that you do need to be by your wife to support her in this. That is what marriage is about.
Compromise
I'm curious as to why you couldn't take your mother in law with you when you move to the coast.
I'm curious as to why you couldn't take your mother in law with you when you move to the coast.
Looking at wife's reluctance from a different angl
I understand and agree with everyone's comments about priorities of family and spouse concerns over personal desires, but have another angle to suggest in the case of those who suggest spouse was luke warm (or less)about sailing on the small boat. We had for years sailed on daysailers and a small, very tender 23' keel boat. My wife went along because it was my (other) passion. Then we began chartering and she got a feel for larger, more stable, roomy and comfortable boats. She joined me in my love for sailing and would often initiate the conversation about where the next charter would be. Last year we bought an O'Day 272. Not a tremendous boat, but large and stable enough for her to not feel she was going to go in the drink every time we heeled. Larger boats have made all the difference to her attitude and feelings of security.
I understand and agree with everyone's comments about priorities of family and spouse concerns over personal desires, but have another angle to suggest in the case of those who suggest spouse was luke warm (or less)about sailing on the small boat. We had for years sailed on daysailers and a small, very tender 23' keel boat. My wife went along because it was my (other) passion. Then we began chartering and she got a feel for larger, more stable, roomy and comfortable boats. She joined me in my love for sailing and would often initiate the conversation about where the next charter would be. Last year we bought an O'Day 272. Not a tremendous boat, but large and stable enough for her to not feel she was going to go in the drink every time we heeled. Larger boats have made all the difference to her attitude and feelings of security.
Be Sure to Take Care of Yourselves
While your wife is taking care of her mother be sure she takes care of herself and while your taking care of her be sure to take care or your self. A few days out on the boat nay be just the ticket.
While your wife is taking care of her mother be sure she takes care of herself and while your taking care of her be sure to take care or your self. A few days out on the boat nay be just the ticket.
Mother in Law
My mother in law becomes disoriented very easily. If she is at her home on a farm that she has lived on for 55 years she seems to do better. Even there she has to take a sedative to keep calm. She routinely asks the same question and gives the same response to the answer over and over again. She is a sweet lady and we love her dearly. But after telling her 5-10 times over the course of an hour that her grandaughter is married and lives in Atlanta I need a break!!!! My MIL is such a sweet lady it makes it all the sadder watching her lights go out one at a time. The doctors have warned that it won't be long until she no longer knows who we are. Usually thankfully she seems unaware of her deteriorating mental condition this is partly because of the sedation. My wife's sister lives with their mother and cares for her. But as the dementia increases she will soon need more care and that is my wife's plan. The two sisters caring for their Mom. They have a married brother who doesn't contribute much if anything. Our original plans were to coastal sail around Florida and up the east coast at least to the Chesapeak bay. Maybe on to Boston where my daughter is moving soon. Our marriage is pretty strong and I think that it will be OK if a little stressed from time to time. My wife will be fine with the sailing as long as we stay coastal and do most of the sailing during the day. Thanks for the many responses. I wish that sailing existed in it's separate universe but most of us have to shift family ,work and finances to be able to sail. When the kids were little it was their activities and church. Tom
My mother in law becomes disoriented very easily. If she is at her home on a farm that she has lived on for 55 years she seems to do better. Even there she has to take a sedative to keep calm. She routinely asks the same question and gives the same response to the answer over and over again. She is a sweet lady and we love her dearly. But after telling her 5-10 times over the course of an hour that her grandaughter is married and lives in Atlanta I need a break!!!! My MIL is such a sweet lady it makes it all the sadder watching her lights go out one at a time. The doctors have warned that it won't be long until she no longer knows who we are. Usually thankfully she seems unaware of her deteriorating mental condition this is partly because of the sedation. My wife's sister lives with their mother and cares for her. But as the dementia increases she will soon need more care and that is my wife's plan. The two sisters caring for their Mom. They have a married brother who doesn't contribute much if anything. Our original plans were to coastal sail around Florida and up the east coast at least to the Chesapeak bay. Maybe on to Boston where my daughter is moving soon. Our marriage is pretty strong and I think that it will be OK if a little stressed from time to time. My wife will be fine with the sailing as long as we stay coastal and do most of the sailing during the day. Thanks for the many responses. I wish that sailing existed in it's separate universe but most of us have to shift family ,work and finances to be able to sail. When the kids were little it was their activities and church. Tom
Just Go With Your Heart
sometimes you just got to go with your heart an usualy it will never lead you wrong. as long as its worked out between husban an wife i see no wrong in it. you will be in touch by cellphone an such anyhow. If something should go wrong you could still be home within a day or two no matter where you were. just my 2 cents worth DaveP
sometimes you just got to go with your heart an usualy it will never lead you wrong. as long as its worked out between husban an wife i see no wrong in it. you will be in touch by cellphone an such anyhow. If something should go wrong you could still be home within a day or two no matter where you were. just my 2 cents worth DaveP
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