Sailing Trepidation! Asking all moms...

[whitleyjl]

I dont know if this is the right forum, if not, please direct me to the right one.

My topic is Sailing Trepidation. My husband and I have been weekend sailing for 8 years in the Cheasepeake and in the San Francisco Bay. We have two boys, 5 and 8 (almost 9). I have always liked sailing, but it is my husband's passion. We're fairly experienced, but still have much to learn.
We're planning a year off to go sailing (he crosses the atlantic with a friend/captain - the kids and I will meet him in Spain to sail the Med). I want to go, but I'm having a hard time being rev'ed up about it (am I crazy?). I am anxious about taking the kids out of their routine for a year, worried that we really dont know what we're doing (and catastrophe will strike), uncertainty about maintaining my consulting business while abroad (which I do completely over the internet), uncomfortable with the idea of being outside the comforts of home (I am kind of a natural 'nester'), panic at not being able to go the the gym. All lame excuses...and no reason NOT to go. But it is enough to keep me from embracing the idea and being really excited about this adventure like I should be. I am not sure what's wrong here, after all, I am normally adventurous and creative (my interests are scuba, motorcycles, yoga, skiing, running, and art). I dont get why I am having a hard time getting started on organizing this trip. My husband stays up until 1 am researching equipment, and I just find it too overwhelming, so I tune it out. Whenever he talks about buying this or that for the boat, I cringe...
Can some of you (especially some mom's?) give me some ideas as to how to mentally 'shift' gears from being stay at home/work at home mom to stay on boat/work on boat mom? What should I do first? Anybody else have these stupid jitters?
Thanks,
Janet

 

[Ariel]

Janet,

Read this account. It may help answer some of your questions.

http://www.maxingout.com/Disasters_that_never_happened.htm

I say go for it!

Dave
s/v ARIEL

 

[Tim R.]

Think about how you might feel if you do not do this? Or if your kids miss out. One year of mediocre schooling compared to one year of world travel learning first hand about foreign cultures. No contest.

This will be a great opportunity for the kids to get some global knowledge. The best, most well rounded kids I have ever met were from live-aboard families

 

[Stu Jackson]

The end page of the monthly Cruising World magazine is written by a family that has just finished two years of cruising. She went through the same issues. Try www.cruisingworld.com and search for wendy clarke.

Go, and have tons a fun.

 

[mark_swart]

I'm of course not a mom, but I completely sympathize with your concerns. I love sailing and we also have two kids. But heading out for a year is an entirely different animal than weekending. The four of you will be living in close quarters.... how many square feet is a 36 foot boat? It probably doesn't compared to even a tiny house.
Maybe a shorter 'trial' cruise might be better over the summer when the kids are out of school anyway, just to see if it is for everyone.

 

[Jim McD]

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore! Dream! Discover!”

Mark Twain

 

[Ed A]

I would wait till the 5 year old is 8 or 9 then he or she would get a lot more out of a trip like that. my kids dont remeber there trips at all. they were to young.
the 8 year old is a bunch easier to travel with too.

 

[Ed Schenck]

I'm with Mark and Ed. Many of us on this board are older, probably retired. Why else would we be responding on a Monday afternoon? When I was your age I too would have worried about my job and my workouts. I'm almost seventy and still stressed on my cruise about lack of exercise. So I walked. . .a lot!

Two ideas. How upset would your husband be if it were just he and the kids? Great opportunity for them to bond. I do agree with those who mention the educational value. If they are old enough to appreciate it.

Or can it be postponed? Sell the idea of a week or two to see if you can live together for extended periods. Seems like his planning and excitment might be too far along for that to work. Anyway I fully sympathize. Good luck.

 

[higgs]

I hope you can stop beating yourself up over your concerns. Not only are they natural, but something a mother should be concerned with. I think that not fully addressing these issues now will only cause problems later on. Others have faced these issues and, as others suggested, finding out how they dealt with them will help you. I may get in trouble for saying this, but I think woman deal with these issues because they genetically are the home makers, while men are genetically designed to be the hunter and explorer.

 

[whitleyjl]

I am curious as to how old kids are when they start remembering their trips--how about yours?
We set this time aside in life to take the trip, (almost) no matter what. The kids will actually be 6 and 9 when we leave (not much difference than 5 and 8, really...). We hope that there will be a sense of adventure that stays with the kids, even if they dont remember much. Being a mom, I dont remember what I did yesterday, anyway...
I looked up the article Stu mentioned, and will now look up anything and everything Wendy Clark writes. Maybe I'll write to her personally since what she says in her article hit the nail on the head. Also loved the TOP TEN CRUISING DISASTERS..that never happened. Although slightly different than mine top ten worry list, I am going to try this approach.
Finally, we are really bad at the grey zones...that is, trying it out to see if we like it, THEN doing the big trip. I am afraid to try it out, just in case we dont like it! I would rather do it and hate every minute than not do it at all -- and I am fairly certain I wont hate it (is this is the female logic?). Nonetheless, the shorter term tryout / shakedown is now on my mental 'to do list'.
I think moms probably do approach this question of sailing for a year very differently than any other group (non-mom's, dads, no kids, grown kids, etc).

 

[tommays]

You sound a lot like my wife which is FINE and after 30 years of marriage i don't push her out of her comfort zone as she's not gonna change realizing this is why we likely made 30 years

On the other hand she has no problem with me going out and doing my thing and spending within are means

 

[whitleyjl]

Please tell me that she has gone on cruises (or at least one...) with you and loved it!!

You sound a lot like my wife which is FINE and after 30 years of marriage i don't push her out of her comfort zone as she's not gonna change realizing this is why we likely made 30 years

On the other hand she has no problem with me going out and doing my thing and spending within are means

 

[tommays]

Shes done plenty of weekends on are J24 when we were younger and will do plenty more when the Cal 29 is finished BUT its not here thing to out for weeks at a time OR sail in real nasty weather

It did not put any fear into are now 23 and 26 year old childern and my 23 year old daughter does a LOT of racing with me

My son has no fears but has no buring desire to sail all that much

 

[Mrs. JimR]

I have no experience with extended cruising, but we took a cross country car camping trip when our kids were 4 & 6. They have great memories of the time we spent together and details of the trip I have forgotten. I vote with the "go for it" crowd. What a wonderful way to make memories together.

 

[WayneH]

OK, I'm definitely male but let me add:

My wife likes pools and swimming but not rivers, lakes and OCEANS as there are "things" in that water. "Things" that can eat her.... (yeah, even in the lake.) But she started sailing because I like it. And now she loves it. (Still doesn't get IN the water but I understand.)

After she fell in love with sailing, she changed her e-mail signature to the Mark Twain quote above. And what is she doing now? Our 21' weekender is too small and she's helping research and find us a bigger boat. (I think the 40' is a little too big but she likes it.)

Plan your kids education around the trip. Math is fun if you're working out where you are. Geography is fun if the place you're studying is outside the porthole. Science = weather, stress loads on rigging, why the sun turns red at sunset, why the sky is blue. Who knows you may have to keep them out of school when you return so that their classmates can catch up to them.

 

[Kermit]

Sounds to me your concerns are the same concerns anyone would have about doing anything new. Even about becoming a parent. Life is full of unknowns. If you had a crystal ball telling you everything life was going to give you, I'm pretty sure you would have opted out of most of it. But would you opt out now?

I had the chance to sail with a friend and his family to the Virgin Islands millions of years ago when my kids were young. The now-ex-wife put the guilt on me like a thousand gorillas. I should have gone.

I say go. You won't regret it any more than you regret your life so far.

 

[dscribner]

I'm not a mom, but I'm married to one. From a dad's persepctive, I whiish I had been more adventurous in my youth and taken up sailing at 26, not 46. Then it would be a way of life, not a temporary escape.

I will assume that you will be home schooling the boys? That, if you haven't done so before, can be very rewarding for a mom. My lovely bride of 30 years enjoyed it immensely for the three years that she did it. The preparation, the instruction, one-on-one, on-on-two, the projects, reading, crafts. Dad can help out too, and I did. You are being presented with an amazing opportunity to show the boys that the world is bigger than X-Box and wider than the American coastline. Embrace this and your family will be richer that you can imagine. You're boys will have friends in five languages and three colors. Give me a downside there. YOu may never come back to the US. Who knows.

So, from one middle aged sailor to a trepidatious young mom . . . . you go GIRL!

Don
Maine

 

[MJWarner]

A lot of good comments, especially Higgs and Don. As a woman, I know a lot of us have difficulty when our security and comfort zone is upturned. It seems like the total abandonment of everything one counts on. CHANGE is bewildering, even scary, when you aren't used to it. But remember that your boys will all too soon, need to start making life decisions on their own, and teaching them how to take a chance on a greater reward, how to make an informed decision to do something you've never dreamed of, how to risk going out of their comfort zone to grab a bigger chunk of life and go further than they dare... well that is a lesson best learned from you. By your willingness to step out into the world, you show them the way.

 

[Stu Jackson]

From the kids' angle

We've had boats since 1983 and sailed way before that. Our son, now 22, sailed with us from infancy to about 12, when we've had our current "big" boat. He loved it until he had one of his friends with us. The friend said "This s*cks." He agreed. Disappeared for 8 years. Now I can't keep him off the boat, he loves ocean sailing and relaxing on board. "Man, I sure missed a lot," he says now.

 

[Winkfish]

Janet, my wife has sailed since she was a little girl, but she's a fair-weather sailor. She doesn't prefer big winds or heeling over, but she does it and she loves it. Not much confidence at the helm, but she loves it and she does it. She gets more confidence every time. We did a bareboat charter in St. Martin, just the two of us, and she loved it. We've done numerous bareboat trips with others as well, and she absolutely loves it.

As for the kids, unless they hate the water and boats, they'll be fine. Kids are super-adaptable and super resilient. Do they know how to sail, and do they like it?

As for trying things out, I personally think it would be a great idea for you and your family to take a bareboat charter, for as long as you can (2 weeks, a month, 2 months?) somewhere in the Caribbean. Think about it, as a scuba diver (I used to be an instructor) would you go on a 300' mixed gas dive before having done at least a few 60' air dives? I hope not. If you like the shorter trips, great. If you absolutely hate it, then taking a year long trip might not be wise.

Finally, think about what "kind" of fear you're having. When I had new students, all were a little bit apprehensive. It's natural, and it keeps them on their toes. But if a student was really fearful, such that it might become a safety issue, I wouldn't take them down to any depth in open water until we worked through the things they were fearful of.

Again, I'd go for a couple of bareboat trips before the "big" one until YOU are comfortable (or at least no more than somewhat apprehensive) with the idea of the year-long one.