Dumb and dumber

[Clay Hunter]

Old Man Racing

One sunny afternoon, onboard the Ooh La La, our 1981 hunter 33, we swept across lake hartwell in south carolina. We had a boat load of very VERY pretty women, so we were at our best. We had installed an oversized main, and just kept it reefed until we reallly wanted to fly. And on this day, it was all the way down. We thought we were just flying along until this little boat appeared behind us. There was a very old man sailing this boat that was problably the same age as he was. He pulled up next to us, passed us, then slowed back down to stay abeam of us. He then started to converse about how we should move the jib blocks back so get a better sail shape. He then tightened up the sails, passed directly in front of us, slowed down and came down our port side. again he said the same thing. he made another two or three passes around us before finally bearing off to starboard. with our tails tucked between our legs, we motored back to the docks.

 

[Randy Sandell]

Ungrounded

My wife and I were motoring down the ICW between Freeport and Matagorda in our 77 hunter 27 when one of our cockpit cushions went overboard. I told her to get on the bow and try to snag it when we get close. The first attempt was unsuccessful so I turned for another pass without realizing how close to the shore we were, the next thing I knew we had grounded. I gave the engine full throttle and the boat didn’t budge and about the same time I noticed a large barge coming our way, so without thinking I jumped overboard, to see if I could push it free, when I jumped into the water the boat floated free and took off, I had forgotten to put it in neutral. I grabbed the swim ladder as the boat went by so there I was being dragged through the ICW with my wife on the bow of the boat and a big barge coming our way. Everything turned out ok, my wife made it back to the cockpit and shut down the motor and helped me back on board and ,oh yeah, we lost the cushion.

 

[ted]

This has to be the dumbest of the dumbers..

I am at this bar one night and meet this real cuttie. After an evening of chit chat it turns out she loves to sail. So I invited her out the next day to sail. Wanting to do the macho thing I keep the Hunter at the dock and choose too take her out on my rocket the Nacra 6.0 cat. She shows up in her bikini, and WOW...lets just say I was a little distracted. The cat is on beach wheels and I roll it down the ramp into the water. We jump on and try to sail off but I have no steerage. I forgot to take the beach wheels off!! The wind is pushing us away from shore and into a long peer. No problem... I jump off and wrestle the wheels out and tie them to the dock. We are back underway (with a red face) when I notice that the pontoons are riding low in the water. Oh no.. forgot to put in the stern plugs!! I immediatly return to the ramp. It took about 4 strong guys to pull the boat up high enough on the ramp to drain all the water out. She never said a thing, but I can see the look on her face. It said "What a moron". I got over my embrassment and we went out sailing again the next week. A year later we were married.....Ted

 

[henkmeuzelaar]

ROTFL Thanks for sharing that Ted!!

NM

 

[Richard Butkiewicz]

Protected from top to bottom

With my Macgregor 19 powersailor I motor out on Tampa bay and look for a place to anchor for lunch. After lunch I prepare to sail the rest of the afternoon. I first put up the jib and begain to get the main up, when I noticed my line was tangled at the top of the mast. I did not want to go back in, so I looked for something with a little weight to hoist up and try to set the line free. I thought my fender should work. I attached it and let it go up. The wind up there started the fender flying and it got stuck and would not come down. I knew sailing was out for the day. So, I just powered up the outboard and rode around with my fender positioned high up on the mast. A huge MotorYacht passed. I just wonder what they were thinking.

 

[scott wilson]

Top to bottom II

Come back to dock after first day trying out chute in light air. Put chute in the water several times so decided to hang it up to dry while getting boat cleaned up. Wind almost(!) dead calm w/bow into wind at dock. Hoist chute up main halyard where it hangs for a few moments. Wind puffs a little and now chute is starting to fly up and back over cockpit. I go to the cockpit to grab the foot but when I get there the chute is now really flying above the stern and I can't reach it. Next I "lower" the halyard which causes the chute to just stream out over the fairway. Now the chute with a 50+ ft luff is completely out past the stern with the head about 30 above the water, completely blocking any and all traffic out from two docks. I look around for witnesses, don't see any and keep slacking the halyard until the chute is about to wrap on the radar arch of the boat across on the next dock. Then the wind dies and the chute gracefully collapes into the water. I haul it in and take it home to dry. Wife was below the whole time with the stero on, so it never happened, right?Scott

 

[Elaine]

dumb and dangerous

About 3years ago, I was washing the cockpit while barefoot and slipped as I climbed off the boat. I hung on but injured both rotator cuffs, got whiplash in my neck, and hit a vein in my leg which clotted half way down my leg. with thrombosed phlebitis. I was in a lot of pain for a very long time and spent 6 months in physical therapy for neck, shoulders, and legs. Now I wear boat shoes while washing the boat.

 

[R.W.Landau]

Elaine, Way to tough it out...

Wow the most I have done is blown out and ear drum and stubbed a few toes.I am encouraged that you have presevered and you are still sailing.Hats off to you.r.w.landau

 

[Bob]

It seemed real smart at the time

In the summer of '65 life was good. I had graduated from college, knew just about everything, and drove my Austin-Healey from the east coast to California to stay with the folks until grad school began in the fall. One Saturday in July my buddy Sandy got us dates and we trailered his dad's outboard over to the Kings River for some water skiing, beer drinking, guitar plucking, and (if we were lucky) romancing. Sandy and I both showed off our skiing skills to the ladies, and sometime about mid-afternoon, fueled by plenty of Mr. Schlitz's liquid motivation, I decided I'd do everyone a favor and demonstrate the famous "East Coast Willoughby Spit Silver Sands Dismount." Simply put, this amounts to laying out hard on one side of the wake (on one ski, of course), then cutting it back hard across the wake and swinging wide on the other side, releasing the tow rope handle(s) at the point of maximum speed, coasting through the shallow water, and when the ski hits the resistance of the soft sand you hop out of the binding and run a short way up the beach. When properly down, it was suitably impressive to those who had not seen it done before. However, it is generally considered a good idea to loosen the binding on the ski so as to make it easy for the skier's foot to release from it. That day I had previously killed a few of my gray cells, and they just happened to be the ones responsible for remembering how and when to loosen water ski bindings. Everything went perfectly to a certain point - Sandy, driving the boat, was clearly in awe of my superior technique. The girls were obviously impressed by such a display of courage and skill. And I was all set to pass the maneuver off modestly as just another way to have fun. However, when my ski hit the beach and stopped, and the still-tight binding refused to part company with my foot, I ended up sprawled just in front of it with copious amounts of sand blasted into every orifice in my head - eyes, nose, mouth, and even ears. It's kind of tough to act cool when you are spitting, snorting, and weeping sand. I had heard it before, but that's the day I learned that alcohol and water are not always a good mix.

 

[Alma A. Farnsworth]

Steering Us Right

Bill Hughes' story was pretty funny, (comical, in fact) since I can't see him doing such a thing. My husband and I are planning to move to the Pelham area of NC, and a friend of mine 'hooked' us up with a real estate agent...yep...it's Bill. He may forget the steering wheel on the boat, but he doesn't forget any details in helping us find the right property. I can assure you that he is 'steering us right'. We could not ask for a better agent...Thanks, Bill!Alma Farnsworth from CT

 

[Fred Ficarra]

Phil, are we getting close to some kind of record

with all these posts and views? And the subject matter,,,!!! We can all relate, huh?

 

[Phil Herring]

We're in the neighborhood, but

...I believe the record is around 150-ish. I'll have to check with Gary. But this is certainly a high ranking quiz, and probably #1 all-time for entertainment value!

 

[wesley lowe]

who needs charts

Three summers ago, I made the decision to sail my Oday 25 from Lake st clair into one end of lake Erie and through the canal at the other end of the lake which connects the two lakes Erie and Ontario and eventually I would arrive at my new marina. This would save me a fortune in having it trucked to my new home. I had just spent a lot of money replacing riging etc. I decided to save myself a bundle in the purchase of charts....not a bad idea eh? This was going to be a great sailing holiday as well. I was dropped off early one morning at the marina and my wife waved to me as she drove off, "bye see you in a few days". I had my sail boat put in the water and the mast stepped that morning. I had just left the marine docks behind and 20 minutes into the journey my 9.9 Yamaha outboard motor sputtered and died after several attempts to fire it up with the same response from the motor I spotted the problem it was too high out of the water and the intake was not able to draw water in to cool it....my first blunder.... I solved this and off I went. The next day I ran into the mother of all fogs......no charts I decided to go in closer to the land and just cruise along it looking for somewhere to stop and wait it out ...found no place to rest and had little choice but motor along.....no I did not run aground...... yet. For the next two days it was sunny and hot so I decided to barbecue myself at the helm by wearing only shorts and a teashirt...and cook I did. My wife met me on the third day at a marina that we had previously picked to join up at. What met her was a very very red and bristly looking excuse for a sailor...... man was I sore allover. She wanted to join me for the journey through the canal........next day we sailed past Long point which juts out almost half way into lake Erie and made a change of course that would bring us in towards the land and past the light house. Since I had no charts I decided to give a very wide berth to the light house in question.....I did not know that there was a huge sand bar here that stretches out far and I mean far from the light house guess a chart would have pointed this out. I ran aground .....I tried reversing the motor...no way so over the side I went ....my rudder was stuck fast in the sand. I decided to take it off and then motor backwards. After getting off the sandbar I now had to remount it. It took me quite a while with the currents to try to man handle the rudders gudgeons and pintles back together and reattach the now bent shaft that connects my wheel to the rudder. To put it simply, steering was difficult and It was now getting dark and my wife (who is not a sailor) had no idea that I had no idea where the marina was it had become loss in a mass of twinkling lights on the shoreline .....Oh did I neglect to mention I was now low on fuel and could not afford to search up and down the coast when I got there. So out came a map of lakes Ontario and Erie on it. I had printed it in haste off the internet before I left on my sail. this became my source and I basically I lucked out...got to the marina without anymore problems....I think my wife would have freaked...she just thought I knew what I was doing. Next day we made our way through the canal with no problems.....came out at the other end of the canal and aimed for the opening into lake Ontario just as I enter into it I am met with a pilot boat heading strait for me and following very close behind and moving swiftly the bow of a huge tanker. I wheeled around so fast to avoid that bow that my wife who was lying down and reading inside landed on the floor. We or I faced yet another night of searching the shore line looking for Oakville harbour ....no charts you know. My wife always wondered why I kept looking at the gas tanks with a flash light. I got us in and tied us up around 3 am. but not before I nearly missed the harbour entrance and collided with the breakwall. That was by far the best damnbed holliday I ever had.

 

[Jim Haynie]

Hematoma

Sing along to the tune for the Halleluha Chorus from Handel's Messiah:He-ma-toma, He-ma-toma;I've got a hematoma on my thigh; etc. etc.Yes, it was a lovely big hard knot on my inner thigh that developed on June 21 and is still slightly visible on Feb. 27!! All from my own stupidity and could have easily been my death!I was in a strange port with my 1988 Hunter Legend 37. My wife, my couisin's wife, and her friend (all 3 non sailors) had joined me for a daysail. My cousin had to back out at the last minute so there I was singlehanding (a common thing for me to do) but with the added encumberance of 3 non-sailors to work around. The day was wonderful, nice breezes and no problems on the water or with the boat. Nobody puking! That was really neat!Returning to the slip, I had prepared everything just as needed for easy tie-up. I typically use a midships springline on the starboard side to catch the furthest back pile and then lightly work against the line with the engine to use both slow forward momentum and notable propwash to pull me up close enough to secure the other lines easily. Always works well--that is it does if I catch that first springline on teh way in. I do this singlehanded all the time and never miss. This time, however, I had a volunteer who wanted to make the grab. So, I made a nice big loop in the springline (as I always do for myself) and instructed her to wait until she was right at the selected pile and just lay the loop over the pile--the boat would do the rest. My last caution to her was "don't throw the line!" You guessed it, about 15 feet from the pile she heaved the line out with great exuberance. Now, I failed to mention that in addition to being a non-sailor, she was also a non-cowboy; her lasso technique did not result in a catch. So, she reclaimed the line and at 6 feet away, gave it another toss with the same result. I'm now in a fix because I have already hit reverse to slow down and propwash is beginning to pull me to the beautiful all wood antique vessel on port side (I did mention that mine is a somewhat beaten up old Hunterr with a functional aluminum rubrail that is great for docks but rough on neighbors didn't I?). She collected the line again but now the nice big loop I had given her was so small that, even though she was standing right beside the desired pile, there was no way to catch it with the line. We are now beginning to turn sideways in the slip and nobody else even made the slightest move for either of the two boathooks to fend off the wooden beauty beside us. So, I lept for the port rail armed with a boathook to overcome the propwash and protect my neighbor. The hook slipped as I pushed on the other boat and I toppled head over heels across the lifeline. It caught me about the crotch area and my whole body weight forced it against my thigh as it rubbed harshley all the way down to just above my knee. There I was, dangling by the crook of only my right knee, hands and head swishing through the water, between the two boats, with my boat in reverse and crawling ever sloserr to the other boat, no lines attached, engine running in reverse and nobody on board who knew how to operate the engine, and we were backing out to sea! Somehow I managed to scramble back on board and recover from this disaster and got the boat docked. That's when the hematoma formed and it hurt like hell for over a month!Lessons: 1st, if you are singlehanding with others aboard, send them below while docking so they are not in your way and you don't take the chance of trusting them to do anything because they will surely do what you don't want them to if they do anything at all. Previous trips had taught me never to give a guest a bowline while docking or you will certainly wind up with no way to control stern swing while the well intentioned land lubber pulls the bow ever and ever closer to the dock. If crew are really non-sailors, keep them out of the way while docking.

 

[Chris Burti]

I dunno 'bout 'biggest' but...

Probably the dumbest and most embarrassing for me happened about... oooh, too long ago. I was helping a friend move his Harker's Island wooden, Sharpie (19') centerboarder from Beaufort, NC back to the builder at Harker's Island. It was a pretty day, 10-15 knots of favorable wind with a reach, a gybe and another reach across Back Sound to our destination. No big deal, an hour or so and hitch a ride back to the car in Beaufort. So, no water, no food and ...no sunscreen. It started out as a georgeous sail, easy as it comes and two good friends 'tellin' lies 'n' talkin' trash' without distraction or interuption. Everything went according to plan until it came time to gybe the big cat-rigged, gaffed, main. I was unfamiliar with that particular boat, but as the most experienced sailor, I was at the helm. We talked the gybe through and executed it perfectly...with one tiny exception.The helmsman's (me, remember) humongous glutimus maxithemostus was firmly planted on about 80% of the mainsheet as we shifted weight to windward.You guessed it... we gybed with the main effectively trimmed in to centerline about the the time one of those 15 knot puffs hit. Needless to say, we were knocked down and swamped. Now for those of you unfamiliar with the bouyancy characteristics of an oversized wooden skiff with a wooden mast, canvas sails and a steel centerboard...suffice it to say that they don't sink, but you don't have enough freeboard to bail either.Well after struggling to right her, then keep her upright while futilely attempting to bail her, we were spotted by a waterman who graciously towed us to a sandbar without making any snide (but well deserved) comments. It took several hours, all in all. An hour or so to be spotted, same or more to be towed as we couldn't move very fast without her impetuously flopping on her side, and about the same to bail her and get the running rigging straighened out. Then another to get to the island as the evening breezes were turning to zephyrs.Bill Ingvald, a Southern humorist, is noted for his signature "here's your sign" punch line after relating misadventures resulting from stupidity. I feel certain that he must have come up with that routine after having heard about this trip. All that would have been required is enough sunscreen to spell out 'stupid' on my forehead for that sunburn "sign" to have announced my embarrasment any more clearly. The repeated inquisition as to the cause of my sunburn and the embarrassing explanation served to sear those particular lessons, of that day, indelably in my memory.

 

[R.W.Landau]

The best thing about adversity....

is that it builds character.I know that an uneventful trip is exactly that and that it doesn't stay long in the old memory bank.I do know that everytime something goes amiss that the effort that goes into solving the problem becomes etched into my brain. My kids call this "making a memory".This is not only a learning experience but a memory.It sounds like eveyone has made some wonderful(and painfull) memories.Thanks for sharing.r.w.landau

 

[Fred Ficarra]

An on that note RW

Many years ago my wife and I bought some video tapes on how to have a successful marriage. The MC said "go camping together". Everything always goes wrong camping. And we thought we had it bad.

 

[R.W.Landau]

Fred, How do you think....

I got my wife to start sailing? It's all a process....It took awhile but she loved the get away camping.It took awhile but she likes the get away boating.I am hoping for the it takes awhile but she loves the mediterranian cruising......r.w.landauP.s. I guess the video worked?

 

[Fred Ficarra]

Sooo Faaar,,,,

Maybe I should have used your method of convincing. She went back to work.

 

[Carol]

right out of the bag

We bought a "new to us" Mac 26X. Saw that beautiful spinnaker and just had to have one. We were on Lake Stockton MO, temp about 100 degrees, no wind. Perfect..we'll fly our new spinnaker. We put the sailbag in the pulpit, Jim attached the jib halyard and I hauled it up...a slight breeze caught it and it started to fill as it came out of the bag...OOPS..forgot to attach the sheets. LOL.(at least I did, my husband was trying to stuff it back in the bag..he wasnt laughing) we got the sheets attached and up it went again..OOPS.."hate to mention this Jim, but I think we hooked the halyard in the wrong corner" yup...down it came again...lesson learned...always take a new sail out of the bag and check it out. Luckily..we were on the side of the bridge that none of the other sailboats could get under.(one of the reasons we bought the Mac26x was the ease of lowering the mast to sail under bridges)..we only made fools of ourselves in front of a bunch of fishing boats.