Dumb and dumber

[Jim Kennedy]

Cabbage Key Docks

September 2001 about a week before 911, I took up a couple and my girlfriend Kris as crew, to Cabbage Key. The wind picked up out of the North East about 20 knots and had to use engine as well as sails to get up there as quickly as possible before my guests got seasick. A real roller coaster of a ride just like being in the Gulf. Got there at sunset and got sails down ok. But just before arriving at dock, big wind came up and blew behind the boat and screwed up comming into the dock so bad that I bent the living crap out of the bow pulpit. Not a really good example of seamanship. Kocked my girlfriend right out of bed as she got tired of the whole bouncy trip by that time. One good thing did come out of it, I now both sweeties can take the living hell bounced out of them and not get sick.

 

[Jim Williams]

O'my God - it's always something

Seems like every sail is a new adventure. As my sailing partner & wife observes, there is always a new challenge -- a shackle gives way, the roller furler jams in heavy weather, batteries ran down, you lose your "happy hooker" when impressing your friends how to pick up a mooring, you wrap your spinnaker like spaghetti around the forestay and every other available shroud and halyard, you whack your keel on a rock because you forgot to watch the markers. I've done them all and they're all really stupid. But the worst of all is to think you're cool, not listen to others around you who are simply smarter than you are (at least for the moment), and then scream at them because you screwed up. That's truly dumb and dumber, and I hate to admit I've been there more than once. Time for therapy!

 

[Fred Ficarra]

No one seems bold enough to talk about

'What comes naturally'. We all know what that is. When my wife and I were newly weds, we were in the San Juan's on our Ericson 29. We were underway to Friday Harbor under power. I set the pilot to take us to the harbor entrance. It was line of sight. Well, being a human male, being that my wife is gorgeous, being that she was in a stunning microscopic bikini, well, one thing led to another and we ended up down below while still underway. I don't even remember if there was other vessel traffic. (you know how it is) After an unknown amount of time went by, (you know how it is) we heard yelling. My wife looked out of a port and saw trees high in the air and coming at us. She screamed. (it wasn't because of that!!!) I flew out to the wheel, disengaged the autopilot and spun the helm. We missed the vertical rock wall entrance to Friday Harbor by less than ONE boat length. The yelling was from fishermen, watching in disbelief. Hows that for dumb and horny? We learned our lesson though. No more hankie pankie down below. We were sailing past Seattle on the Sound back around 1990. The weather was perfect. One thing led to another. We were also grooving to soft rock on KLSY. At the exact moment of maximum bliss, (I don't have to explain that do I?) the female disk jockey announces that today is National Outdoor SEX DAY!,,,and all listeners have a duty to comply immediately. I'm not making this up!

 

[Bruce Byrnes]

Honeymoon

I was on my Honeymoon almost 40 years ago in Bermuda on leave while in the Navy. I had recently gone through a USN school to learn how to drive Landing Craft (LCVP, LCM).Anxious to show off my new found skills to my Beautiful Bride, I successfully navigated a power boat from the rental agency to the concrete landing dock at the hotel to pick up her and another couple.After getting them settled in the boat, I revved the engine - but didn't go anywhere. So, forgetting to rev down, I popped the clutch. I then proceeded to make a beautiful landng - Right on the concrete pier. Fortunately, the only serious injury was to my pride.Ok, after my face faded to it's normal color, we were able to get the boat in the water and out into the bay. It was a beautiful ride with crystal clear water and beautiful views. We saw a small island with a pier and decided to go site seeing. We carefully disembarked up a long wooden ladder and when we finally got settled on the pier, we heard a very loud horn blasting several times.The sounds came from a tour boat intent on taking our spot by the ladder. Of course, the boat was large enough that when their passengers disembarked, they would only have to step across to the pier.I guess the pilot of the boat was upset, because he showed no intention of slowing down, nor of giving us a lot of time to get out of there.Needless to say, with the horn continuously blasting, we got down the ladder a lot faster than it took to go up.It took 35 years to get my wife back on a boat - my Son's.

 

[scott wilson]

Bill Hughes gets my vote

Powering away from a raft up without your wheel is the most dumbest thing I've heard so far.Bill, thanks for the chuckle.Scott

 

[Wanabe A. Sailor]

Indian Ocean

35 years ago, while living in Manila, Philippines we would sometimes weekend at a remote beach accessible only via sea. We would hire a fisherman to take us in his Banka and pick us up two days later. A Banka is a dug-out canoe with bamboo outriggers.As there was a small abandoned Banka on the beach, I cut a sapling for a mast, used a tarp for a sail, rope for shrouds, a plank for a rudder, and took my first wife for my first sail.The beach was in a horseshoe-shaped cove surrounded by mountains. The wind was off the land and we had a fine time until I tried to head back in. With no centerboard or lee board I couldn't sail but broadside to the wind and the horseshoe shape of the cove meant that no matter which direction I headed the wind coming down the mountains was off the land. We got blown further and further out into the Indian Ocean until the waves got big enough to swamp us, even if I would have had something with which to bail. Luckily, the dug-out floated and after an hour or so a passing fisherman in a motorized Banka came by and towed us to shore.Last time that wife sailed with me.

 

[Eric Hartsough]

Anchor Over Board

Three years ago, my wife and I had a group on our boat at Chatfield Lake. A heavy set man wanted to come on board so we pulled up the swing keel and beached the boat. After the man boarded, we had a hard time getting off the beach. His added weight cracked the rudder, which I noticed after getting into the lake. I asked my wife to throw out the anchor, which she did. To my surprise, the boat did not turn up into the wind. Even more to my surprise was that she really did throw out the anchor. Now on our current boat, the anchor line is tied off. I have heard about this happening but was never present before.

 

[Dave Hoppe]

Pigtail...

Forgot to disconnect the pigtail from the end of the boom and got knocked down in short order. Water was starting to come over the combing into the cockpit, but fortunately she rounded up before our shoes got too wet. Needless to say I felt luck a moron. Don't think I'll be making that mistake again.

 

[Michael]

BONK!

The time I bonked my wife on the head while lowering the main, because I forgot to tie the end of the boom to the rear stay. I have only had her on the boat once after that, that was in April!

 

[Grant]

Yep, I sank it!

OK, so there I was, a Navy guy fresh off the boat after three years. Sailing was in my blood. I got married and then our first "major" purchase was a Flying Dutchman Olympic Racer. My sailing experience to this point was an aircraft carrier and a styrofoam KOOL sailboat when I was twelve. Our first outing was at Lake Mathis or Lake Corpus Christi Texas, depends on how old you are as to what it's called. Anyway, being a student pilot I should have at least questioned 30 knots of wind, but Hell Man! It's my only day off! The trailer didn't have tie downs on the stern so I had to pull off FM281N four times and center the transom back on the trailer. Ah, no biggie. So now I'm beach launching from the park. Hey! I've got a mainsail and two jibs. This one says it's a 150%. Whatever, it's bigger, I'll use it. At this point my wife of two months, whom does not swim elects NOT to go. She is a devout Catholic and was obviously led by the Holy Spirit to remain on terra firma. "I'll be right back, I want to get a feel for it." I sheeted in and got the feel alright. Felt like a friggin F-4 being launched off the friggin aircraft carrier. As I accelerated through Mach 1.0 the craft heeled to starboard til I had to let go of the tiller to stand on the port beam. Not port side, I mean the beam! She went all the way over. There were some dry rotted orange bags in the combings. Someone called them buoyancy bags. I guess now would be the time for them since I'm standing on the centerboard slowly getting deeper and the boat will not right itself. It wasn't until my neck was wet that I grew overly concerned. My wife the savant, had thrown a life jacket in the boat against my bravado objections. Might as well use it since the boat disappeared under me. Nothing left out here except little dry-rotted pieces of orange plastic, and me, a couple hundred yards from shore. Here it is eighteen years later. We,ve owned twelve boats. Oh yeah! My wife swims now....Ya never know.

 

[Bill Crosby]

No Good Deed goes unpunished

This is really embarrassing. It's a very sad tale to tell for smeone who has been in and around boats for half a century. It began on a beautiful fourth of July a couple of years ago as my wife and I were out for a daysail on our Catalina 30. We were sailing south out of the Mystic River in Connecticut. There were lots of powerboats nearby, all throwing out those big beautiful wakes we all enjoy so much. A large outbaord powered inflatable was on a reciprocal course to ours when I spotted him. He was about to bounce over a serious wake from another power boat. When he hit the wake the lone operator was launched upward, sans boat, while his inflatable proceeded in the general direction of Newport RI. Being good sports, we quickly stopped and retrieved said powerboater from the drink. After introductions and toweling off, I suggested that we should call the Coast Guard to retrieve his boat which was now careening all over Fisher's Island Sound.Pay attention now, because here comes the dumb part. He said to me, "Gee, I really hate to call them, couldn't we just try to catch it ourselves?" I thought about it and foolishly agreed to give it one shot. His boat was now travelling in a large circle with us somewhere near the center. I reasoned that I could try to meet it at an angle on a pass and he could try to hop into it.Kids, don't try this at home. My boat weighs almost 11,000 pounds and has a 21 hp diesel. Not the best situation to catch a 20 foot inflatable with a humongous outboard. I set this hideous plan in motion and it looked good. Did I mention the gusty winds that day?? Well, at precisely the wrong moment when I had the other boat in my sights and was executing a neat angluar approach, a strong gust pushed the upraised bow of this hard bottomed inflatable and sent it at 90 degrees directly into my port side.It did stop the inflatable. The inflatable put an 18" tear into the side of my boat, about 2 feet above the water line. I became very quiet after that.My wife was kind to me. The hard part was explaining all this to the various insurance companies. Turns out this fella was not insured because his engine was too big for his boat according to his insurance company. The boat was repaired a few week slater and this ugly chapter was put behind us. Next time ..................

 

[Lionel]

dumb and then even dumber

when I wanted to celebrate the purchase of my Hunter 34 the first thing was to take the family out for a day trip to a small island in Boston harbor As we approched the beach I asked my wife to throw the anchor To my surprise I saw the anchor fly overboard . go underwater but the line layed flat on deck ...not attached So the week end after I made sure the new shinning anchor was attached to the line and we went back to the island . As we approached the beach I asked my wife to throw the anchor . Everything went well as I saw the anchor fly overboard, followed by the chain and then the line The entire 250ft considering that the line was not attached to the boat !

 

[Diane]

Capt of the Ship of Fools! Hey!

I won''t go into details, but my kids made up a song about my husband's bloopers. One verse went: "Lost the trailer in the cove; burned the boat with the alcohol stove, Captain of the Ship of Fools! Hey!"

 

[Lionel]

When dum meets dumber

Finally spend the day anchored near the beach at an Island in Boston harbor ( yes anchored! )As we are about to leave a guy in a sailboat not far is waving to us and asking for help !So we start engine , raise anchor ,come parrallel to him ,drop the anchor, shut the engine . He is solo , his anchor is stuck , he tried for at least an hour and now he is exhausted ...could we help ? At this point I had not realized that Dumb# 1 had just met with Dumb #2 So standing on my deck I described to him the perfect manoeuver . Start engine ,run engine at low rpms , shift forward, and while the boat moves SLOWLY forward , run to bow and pull the line . And it worked ! but the guy was so tired that he did not pull all the way up fast enough . So his anchor was released from the bottom but still hanging 5 or 6 ft under water But dumb # 1 is happy and he wants to share the joy with dumb #2 So he turns his boat in a perfect 360 to come back to me Of course I was on my deck yelling and shouting for him to stay away ! But he did not understand , we where now good friends fellow sailors and he wanted me to hear it from him ! Of course his anchor and chain got caught in my own anchor line , his boat swings 360 upwind , his propeller caught my line . So here is the new situation : 2 boats in a perfect line my bow 10ft from his stern Lesson #1 when Dumb1 meets with Dumb #2 nothing good can happen ! But sit back and relax the show is still on So its time for me to dive and release my line from his 2 blades prop But it took time and when I am finished I realise that I do not have enough strengh to release the 2 tangled anchor lines So back on my boat I convinced him to detach is own line , let his boat drift freely away from mine before starting engine and motor around while I fix the problem But please remember that I am Dumb #2 so what do you think I did ? Well you will not be disapointed ! In order to retrieve both anchors , I used my usual manoeuver: Start engine ,run engine at low rpms , shift forward, and while the boat moves SLOWLY forward , run to bow and pull the line And it worked ! Until his anchor line , floating free , went directly into my prop !And now my boat is drifting toward the beach !And Dumb #1 is not very far He sees the situation and wants to help ! God its never going to stop ! It is in these very special occasion that you realize that thanks to modern rollers it is possible to set a gib and sail away to deap waters in less than 30 secondes

 

[Mac Smith]

I rammed the damn Dam

I hit the single Largest obstical on our Lake Murray, The Dam that protects the City of Columbia, and surrounding area, from the 32 Square miles of lake!I was awakened by my passenger that said "Mac, we hit the dam" I looked up, and all around, to see a rock wall, taller than my mast, and appeared to be on all 3 sides of the boat. Traffic was slowing on the dam, since they saw my mast, in the bend of the road above, making it appear as if I were in their path!It was Sunday eve, after a long hot weekend, and I thought a nap was in order, and the autopilot kept the course, straight into the dam, just as it was instructed to do, exactly where it was headed. The whole experience was embarrassing, but the amazing thing is that the boat, slowly slid into the dam, hitting only the keel on the rocks. No Damage, No Tickets for unsafe boating, No Injuries, and No more beer!

 

[BrokeBoat]

I feel better now

My first boat. I'd crewed on many, chartered a few in the BVI's, and finally put out the money to buy my beautiful 1980 Hunter 33. The weekend after I had sailed the boat, through terrible thunderstorms on Lake Pontchartrain, to her home slip, I went for a 6 hour sail with my wife (knowledgeable novice) and two friends (experienced cruisers). We arrive home and my wife leaves to go shopping, the cruisers leave to return to their liveaboard. One of my next-door neighbors (non-sailor) asks,"how's the boat?" The neighbor on the other side (sailed a few times) is in the front yard and joins the conversation. Turns out both of their wives are out-and-about as well. One suggests, "why don't we take the kids out for an evening sail?" Between the two of them, they have 3 kids from 7 to 10 years old. I balk, but, driven by adrenaline, a bit of cajoling, and a beautiful late fall afternoon, finally agree.We get to the dock with about one and on-half hours of daylight left. Get her underway with no problems, despite the know-nothing crew. I figure we'll go 45 minutes out, 45 minutes back in, catch a nice sunset and have a quick little trip. I didn't check the weather.We made the 45 minutes out just fine, then a cold front moved through. The breeze freshened to 20+ knots, gusting higher, and we were having a great sail. Except the youngest kid started crying. You know, the most terrifying thing you can do at 7 knots.Lake Pontchartrain is shallow - average depth about 12-13 feet. I had stayed close to the shoreline, because this was just to be a short sail. We had about 8 feet of water beneath us when the wind continued to freshen and the waves got larger and larger. I decided it was time to head back to the dock, because of the weather, the kids and the inexperienced crew. As I tacked across the wind, we started to ride up the waves and crash down into the troughs. 8 feet of water was definitely not enough in this weather. I bottomed hard twice, then lost steering. As we headed up the waves, the rudder bottomed out twice, bending the rudder post. The rudder wouldn't cross the keel. I could steer to port, but not starboard. The kids had their life jackets on from the time we left the dock - now the adults did, too. I steered back to the marina as best as I could using the sails and making large circles to port. We made it past the jettys and grabbed the first piling in the marina, using a long bow line to walk the boat to the first available slip. I was devastated that I had "broken" my boat on the first real weekend of sailing, but grateful and relieved that we got the kids to shore safely.Interestingly, when I first lost the ability to steer to starboard, I asked one of the neighbors to check the anchor locker to make sure the bitter end was secured. He went forward with a flashlight ( it was dark by then) and assured me that it was. When I surveyed the boat the next day, I found that it wasn't. Thank God we didn't have to throw out the anchor. When I finally got home, about 4 1/2 hours after we left for our "brief" sail, my wife was frantic.I told her we had taken the boat out again after she went out, and that I would be getting a tow into the boatyard the next week, to "fix a few things." That little evening sail cost me $1300, but taught me quite a few lessons. I think it was the kids' fault, no???

 

[Scott Wilson]

Sorry Bill Hughes, I voted too soon

Lionel is the winner ( yeh he posted twice) he is the mostest dumbest, followed closely by Bill C. and Mac.Hey, we may all be dumb, but we have great insight. Scott

 

[Lynn Mcdaniel]

Oh those thru hulls!

We hauled out about two years ago for the usual bottom job etc. and I was hosing down the hull (removing excess scum and fur from the bottom.)I got to the thru hulls and thought "Gee, they probably need cleaning out as well!" So I sprayed the hose into them (high pressure). When I went aboard later to use the head, I opened the head door to find the most HORRIBLE mess ever! All that water, scum and whatever else came shooting straight up through the sink drain into the head, it was everywhere from the ceiling down. Oops!!! I just didn't think, but I sure paid for it, it took me hours to get all that "stuff" out of every nook and cranny.

 

[Dale Wells]

saved

We had just come into port and I stepped off with line in hand when a shoelace caught a nail on the pier and I still had the other foot on the combing. The boat started to pull away from the pier and I found myself doing the splits. Just before I was about to do the nosedive into the drink, a well-endowed bikini-clad lady rushed up, leaned down and released the lace from the nail. After a rebalancing act and putting my eyes back into their sockets, I gave a sheepish thanks and I secured the line.

 

[Dave Humphreys]

Why use a teather

Back in 1989, I convinced two non-sailors to help me take my Ranger 26 from Atlantic City around Cape May and up the Delaware River to Riverton, NJ. We had been racing in the Atlantic City Race Week Regatta and the boat is equiped with all safety gear for offshore sailing. Both non sailors became green and lost it during the passage through the rough AC inlet. Once in the ocean I was faced with a 10 hour run down the coast with two unconscious neophites. With tons of food and beer and a beautiful 15 knot breeze on the beam, I settled in for a great "solo" run. With the boat under sail with main and # 2 Genoa doing a steady 6 knots, the autohelm stearing the boat, and the outboard raised out of the water, I leaned back against the cabin looking aft in the cockpit to enjoy the summer sun and great view of gentle rolling seas. We were about 5 mile off the coast sailing a straight line course that would bring us to Cape May inlet before nightfall, great tunes on the sound system, beer and food, all was well! The urge to dispose of used beer caused me to approach the stern head rather than the down below porta-potty now blocked by two spralled out motionless and useless non-sailors. Funny thing about rouge waves, they know when to smack the side of a boat for maximum effect. With NO teather to the boat, except for my right hand holding the split back stay, and leaning to leeward over the stern pulpit, the boat was suddenly slammed by a wave launching me violently right over the side of the stern pulpit. With instant fear in my heart and a death grip on the starboard back stay, I spun around and aft. I was completely outside of the boat. As I spun I could see the port split back stay comming up fast and grabbed it with my left hand. With my legs flailing I slammed down on top of the raised outboard motor shaft right where a guy does not want to get hit. I now could not breathe, was feeling like I had been separated from my private parts, and lost both of my boat shoes. My screams for help, when I could finally get my breath back to make a sound, did not even cause a stir in either of my "crew members." It took me several minute to muster the strength to pull myself back aboard. With two nicely cut hands, both shoes gone, a soar groin, and severly wounded ego, I fetched my teather and tied myself to the boat.This was a life changing "pee pee" with many very obvious leasons learned!Dave