Well it certainly is gloomy weather but lets see what sailing jokes you have. Here is one from my archive folder...
Its funny Friday!
- Thread starter rgranger
- Start date
I met a real, honest to goodness, pirate once. He had the whole thing, eye patch, hook for a hand and peg leg. I mean salty, 'ARG!' Kind of pirate. This was at Foxy's in Jost Van Dyke. So, after telling me about how Jost Van Dyke got its name, I asked him, "Not to be rude, but do you mind telling me how'd you loose your leg?"
"Argg!" He said (he actually said "Argg")
"We was takin' a prize galleon off a Madagascar, when I got me leg crushed between our two ships, now. But I kept a fight'n and have 'em what for."
"Sounds dangerous. You must have been scared." I said.
"Nay," says he, "not nearly as when I lost me hand."
"Oh?" I prompted.
"Argg! I was facin' off against the notorious Black Bart, in a duel, like. I tried to faint with me left and Ol' Bart chopped me hand right off. Thought I was a goner fir sure."
"But you got away!"
"Bart let me go. Said I was the best match he'd ever been in. Had his smith wrought me up this here hook to replace me hand."
He was silent as he lifted his grog for a few more gulps.
"Well, ah... sir... what about the eye?"
"Sea gull got me the very next day. He flew overhead and I looked up."
Surprised at that, I asked, "You lost your eye from sea gull poop?"
"Well," he says, "it were me first day with the hook."
-Will (Dragonfly)
"Argg!" He said (he actually said "Argg")
"We was takin' a prize galleon off a Madagascar, when I got me leg crushed between our two ships, now. But I kept a fight'n and have 'em what for."
"Sounds dangerous. You must have been scared." I said.
"Nay," says he, "not nearly as when I lost me hand."
"Oh?" I prompted.
"Argg! I was facin' off against the notorious Black Bart, in a duel, like. I tried to faint with me left and Ol' Bart chopped me hand right off. Thought I was a goner fir sure."
"But you got away!"
"Bart let me go. Said I was the best match he'd ever been in. Had his smith wrought me up this here hook to replace me hand."
He was silent as he lifted his grog for a few more gulps.
"Well, ah... sir... what about the eye?"
"Sea gull got me the very next day. He flew overhead and I looked up."
Surprised at that, I asked, "You lost your eye from sea gull poop?"
"Well," he says, "it were me first day with the hook."
-Will (Dragonfly)
An ‘ol salt swaggers into a bar.
He has a ship’s wheel stuffed into the front of his trousers.
The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a ship’s wheel in your trousers!”
The ‘ol salt says, “Aye mate and it’s driving me nuts!”
He has a ship’s wheel stuffed into the front of his trousers.
The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a ship’s wheel in your trousers!”
The ‘ol salt says, “Aye mate and it’s driving me nuts!”
Okay @Will Gilmore
... let me tell you about Boudreaux
Boudreaux and Clotile bought a small house on the Bayou Tech near New Iberia. At that time there was only the one bridge over the bayou.
A fellow named Clarence bought a house right across the bayou from Boudreaux and Clarence had a habit of sitting out in his yard with his binoculars any time Clotile was out working in the garden. This made Boudreaux mad! He would holler and yell at Clarence.
"Monsieur Clarence! You got some luck they is no bridge here or I come o're there and pass my fist by your chin... yeah!"
Clotile! She liked all of the commotion. One summer the parish built a new bridge very close to Boudreaux's house and Clotile goaded Boudreaux to go beat up Monsieur Clarence.
"Now is your chance Bou" says Clotile.
So Boudreaux hitches up his coveralls and starts over the bridge. Clotile watches. 'bout half way Boudreaux paused, pulled on his chin a bit and then turned back and headed home. Clotile met him at the foot of the bride and Boudreaux says
"Now Clotile don't start on me. I did not change my mind 'bout passing my fists ...but you know the parish put a sign on dat bridge what says Clearance 13' 2", he don't look that big from here no!"
... let me tell you about Boudreaux
Boudreaux and Clotile bought a small house on the Bayou Tech near New Iberia. At that time there was only the one bridge over the bayou.
A fellow named Clarence bought a house right across the bayou from Boudreaux and Clarence had a habit of sitting out in his yard with his binoculars any time Clotile was out working in the garden. This made Boudreaux mad! He would holler and yell at Clarence.
"Monsieur Clarence! You got some luck they is no bridge here or I come o're there and pass my fist by your chin... yeah!"
Clotile! She liked all of the commotion. One summer the parish built a new bridge very close to Boudreaux's house and Clotile goaded Boudreaux to go beat up Monsieur Clarence.
"Now is your chance Bou" says Clotile.
So Boudreaux hitches up his coveralls and starts over the bridge. Clotile watches. 'bout half way Boudreaux paused, pulled on his chin a bit and then turned back and headed home. Clotile met him at the foot of the bride and Boudreaux says
"Now Clotile don't start on me. I did not change my mind 'bout passing my fists ...but you know the parish put a sign on dat bridge what says Clearance 13' 2", he don't look that big from here no!"
"send them chickens on down t'other side,
Yeah let's giv'em a ride."
I found this one on another forum...
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
Once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
Once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
Ok. My pirate friend in Foxy's was telling me that his great great grand pappy was the first pirate to land on Jost Van Dyke and was actually the one who gave the island its name. Fresh from plundering a very rich treasure ship, the Dutch pirate crew was looking for a place to put in for some R and R. Somewhere they could spend their booty on booze and women and debauchery of every kind. Well, they came across this uncharted island and set anchor right off the beach where Foxy's is located today. They decided to send one pirate ashore to recon for the women they so desired. My friend's great great grand pappy was selected by lot and set off by himself, in one of the longboats, first thing in the morning.
He was gone through lunch and the crew started to grumble. He was gone till almost supper and the crew grumbled even more. They were sure their fellow pirate had found his women and was just being selfish by not returning to report. They were just about to send out a second group to round him and the women up when they spotted him limping to the longboat and slowly, painfully push-off into the surf. They waited impatiently for him to slowly, ever so slowly, row closer and closer to the ship. He was finally within hailing distance and they could see that he was a mess. His shirt was half ripped off, his hat was missing, left eye was swollen shut, his fat lip split twice, bruises dotted his face and neck, teeth missing that hadn't been missing before. Even some of his hair had been pulled out. Ever the selfish pirates, they ignored all that and yell down, "ARE DERE ANY VIMMEN ON DA ISLAND?"
The half defeated pirate looked painfully up at the expectant crew all leaning over the gunnel to hear the answer. The poor sailor gathered all his remaining strength and shouted, "JOST VAN DYKE"
-Will (Dragonfly)
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Paul Horning
- Paul Horning
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Listed as among the 10 best places to be for New Years. I was on Tortola for two New Years celebrations and my wife and I were going to take a water taxi over for the count down and celebration that is so famous. The first time I got the flu and we couldn't go, the second time, my daughter got the flu and we couldn't go. We did sail over and anchored off the beach when there weren't any boats in the way. If you go for New Years and you want to save money on a water taxi, just walk across the boats between South Beach or Cane Garden Bay and Foxy's.
-Will (Dragonfly)
Do you have to ask "permission to board" every boat, or could you just issue a fleet-wide query over the VHF?
You know what a pirate's favorite letter is?
.
.
Bet you said "Arrrrrrr" didn't you?...……………….It's the "C".
.
.
Bet you said "Arrrrrrr" didn't you?...……………….It's the "C".
I groaned so loudly on that one that my wife came in from the next room to ask what was wrong.
Sounds like a pirate's 'booty call'.
(Privatear was better, now I'm just trying too hard)
-Will (Dragonfly)
