Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns!

[JonBill]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns!

Dear JonBill,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor girl. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor girl is 22. W e have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila

******************************
Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it co uld be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
JonBill

 

[John Nantz]

Another response: (Plan B)

or, she should have AAA insurance with towing.

We're here to help!

Or, as my wife always says, "You're supposed to LISTEN. NOT offer a solution!"

uhhh, oh, sorry Honey. Guess I didn't get it.

Comment: If we're supposed to listen, why don't they say so instead of phrasing things like they want solve the problem???

JonBill: Great answer (even though I don't claim to be an expert in the newer engines). That was a good one! By the way, have you ever considered running for office?

 

[David10790]

Good one, JonBill

It reminded me right away of this old John Prine song:


Dear Abby, Dear Abby ...
My feet are too long
My hair's falling out and my rights are all wrong
My friends they all tell me that I've no friends at all
Won't you write me a letter, Won't you give me a call
Signed Bewildered

Bewildered, Bewildered...

Chorus:
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up Buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood

Dear Abby, Dear Abby...
My fountain pen leaks
My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks
Every side I get up on is the wrong side of bed
If it weren't so expensive I'd wish I were dead
Signed Unhappy

Unhappy, Unhappy...

Repeat Chorus

Dear Abby, Dear Abby...
You won't believe this
But my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss
My girlfriend tells me It's all in my head
But my stomach tells me to write you instead
Signed Noise-maker

Noise-maker, Noise-maker

Repeat Chorus

Dear Abby, Dear Abby...
Well I never thought
That me and my girlfriend would ever get caught
We were sitting in the back seat just shooting the breeze
With her hair up in curlers and her pants to her knees
Signed Just Married

Just Married, Just Married...

 

[Scott]

Funny you mention John Prine ...

I was just driving my new car, wondering how I got along without XM Radio, and I heard a John Prine song that was new to me ... "In Spite of Ourselves". It brought a smile, just like this thread did! ;D

Wish I could recall all the lyrics!

 

[Brian D]

Ah... the truth...

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

[David10790]

Here ya go Scott

all the lyrics to all the John Prine songs there are

 

[Stu Jackson]

Or, as my wife always says, "You're supposed to LISTEN. NOT offer a solution!"

and my wife adds: "...and she's always RIGHT."

 

[John Nantz]

Remember the song "Three Coins in the Fountain"

From the movie, and three women were making their wishes...

There are actually two versions of the song - a before marriage and an after marriage.

The lyrics to the end of the before marriage song go:

"Make him mine! Make him mine! Make him mine!"

The lyrics to the end of the after marriage song go:
"Make him mind! Make him mind! Make him mind!"

Brian: re post #4, that last one, Discussion Technique, is soooo true!

 

[Eddie7045]

Dang, if your old enough to remember "Three Coins

in a Fountain" then you're doing good just to be, let alone remember it.

 

[JonBill]

Eddie good point

A few weekends ago my wife asked me early on a Saturday morning what I had planned. I knew when she asked me that I was in trouble. So I just said to her, "planned?", I don't want to "plan" anything, I just want to "be".

One thing I like about be-ing old as dirt is there's not enough testosterone left to ruin your day. Like you can take it or leave it. So when the wife says, if you do some honey-do's then I'll be nice to you, you can actually say back to her, I think I'll go fishing, or sailing, or roller blading, or whatever. You're not like stuck running around all day doing honey-do's for the big pay-off. It's like so-what-else is new?! Talk to you later.

Kind Regards,
JonBill

 

[JonBill]

Eddie good point

A few weekends ago my wife asked me early on a Saturday morning what I had planned. I knew when she asked me that I was in trouble. So I just said to her, "planned?", I don't want to "plan" anything, I just want to "be".

One thing I like about be-ing old as dirt is there's not enough testosterone left to ruin your day. Like you can take it or leave it. So when the wife says, if you do some honey-do's then I'll be nice to you, you can actually say back to her, I think I'll go fishing, or sailing, or roller blading, or whatever. You're not like stuck running around all day doing honey-do's for the big pay-off. It's like so-what-else is new?! Talk to you later.

Kind Regards,
JonBill

 

[Eddie7045]

JB, uh, I'm the last last person on Earth

you'd want to talk to anytime let alone later.

 

[JonBill]

Eddie, that was part of the joke, and not a salutation.

Eddie,

That was part of the joke and what I said to "her", it was not a salutation to you.

I can see how it may have been misunderstood.

I do agree with you though, that "we" won't be talking anytime soon.

So there's another example of why men shouldn't write advice columns

Kind Regards,
JonBill

 

[Dennis]

Ah Come on Ed I think you could

give some darn good advice!!!!!!

 

[John Nantz]

Different spin on better mousetrap

A woman told me that when she got married, she told her husband she wanted a fur coat.

Her husband got her a mousetrap. He said, "It's a starter kit."


From AARP magazine, p.30, sep/oct 2008

 

[william24424]

Because no one listens. problem: 1) Fat? solution: eat less, exercise more. 2) no money? spend less than you make. ect...

 

[LRlovetotravel]

LRlovetotravel

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