Slow 343
It's your sail trim not the boat. We just spent 4 days sailing a 343 during a delivery and return from one of the sail shows. We sailed in conditions ranging in the 10 to 20 kt range. Your right about the need to reef early in heavier air, 20kts. Once the rudder lifts you'll lose control if too much sail is up. Reefing the main first seemed to help in 3-4'quartering seas. In lower wind conditions, 10-15 kts, we were able to consistently beat upwind at close to 7kts. We had the main sheeted fairly flat, with the traveler almost all the way to windward. The genny was sheeted in to about 3" off the lower spreader. The helm remained fairly well balanced with some rounding up in stronger puffs. We just allowed her to round up a bit then fell off when the puffs passed. We were chasing bigger boats and had to work hard to keep with them. Something we did fairly well for most the day. I'd pick up a book or two on sail trim and then go out and try some new things. Keep track of what you did, what worked, what didn't. Also try the web for which sails you have on the boat. Try "www.neilprydesails.com". That's what Beneteau put on my 361 and was on the 343 we sailed. The site has some very good tips on sail trim, especially for roller furling mains which are not know for their performance. It takes time to get to know your boat and how she'll respond to sail trim. Good luck.