Getting the Wife into Sailing

[mrscott]

This is not going to be your regular post but I am running out of options...I need some advice from those of you who have had some "unwilling spouses" when it comes to sailing.My wife, bless her heart, has an unbelievable fear of getting out on the water. She usually gets overcome about the time we leave the harbor and twenty minutes into the voyage insists on turning around and heading in to port.This is no little problem...I really want her to become my number one deckhand on board because I really would rather go sailing with her more than anyone. Besides, if I can get her to enjoy it she will let me buy more and more expensive toys to put on the boat She can swim, I have taken her to a sailing school, (albiet for one day) and she really loves "camping" on the boat when it is on dry land. What else can I do? Anyone have similar problems? Any suggestions on how to help her to calm down? Or am I gonna need to get rid of the boat and get a cabin or something.P.S. we are newlyweds, so trading her in on a "newer model" is out of the question

 

[sailaway78]

Only suggestion I have

Only take her out at first when it is really nice, and absolutely no rough water. Show her some beautiful sunsets, calm waters and all the really good stuff. No boat heeling over, or other "macho" type sailing. If that don't work, don't know what to suggest.

 

[abe]

Xanax....

and do what N & E said. Little by little starting in realy calm wheather. Hmmmm, Alaska...not much calm sailing in the winter.abe

 

[nick]

A radical option

Tell her that a girl at work has asked if you would teach her to sail and would she mind if you gave her a couple of lessons.

 

[Vonnie]

wine and dine

I agree with the previous two responses about calm waters. You might also try a romantic spot for a picnic or taking her out to dinner. That's what my husband did and now I am the one who wants a bigger boat - even though we cook on the boat most of the time now. It took me about a year to really get into it. Good luck. It can be a great thing for a couple.

 

[Bob]

Compromise

… is the name of the game here. Many people cannot get the other half to step foot on the boat. Mates have different view of the boating experience than we do. However, I make it a point of always returning to port when she says its time to return, no matter how long we have been out - of course we take the long way getting home but, we are heading home and she knows it (she knows that we are taking the long way too)! The point is that even though we were out for only “20 minutes or so”, I am able to enjoy the wind in the sails, validate the mechanical and electrical systems, keep my seamanship fresh, and have a happy wife at my side – who could ask for more!

 

[Tim R.]

Give her something to do

Let her steer. Although my wife was never really reluctant she did get uncomfortable the first time we heeled over. So I gave her the tiller and now she loves sailing. She will take a nap on the lee side of the cockpit on long trips when the wind is blowing 15-20 kts.Tim R.

 

[GuyT]

Sailing with fear

Being in Alaska with "Deadliest Catch" and the Bearing Sea Folklore cannot be helping your situation. It sounds like your wife is not getting sick, she's just afraid. Maybe justified, since your in Alaska!Fear can be overcome but not easily. Positive reinforcement is the only way - go slow and go steady and build it up. She needs to feel safe.Try staying close to shore - is that possible?

 

[Jim]

Here is what I would do

get a girl friend that likes sailing. Your wife might like it better than!

 

[TJ-LJ Champion]

read all these responses and....

though they are good, the foundation of your problem is fear, phobias no matter what they are can be overcome through therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy and would do your wife good with all life skills in the future.I have panic/anxiety disorder and for years didn't do things that I had done as a teenager. Once I got a diagnosis and treatment I could then begin to piece together an enjoyable fear free life.I too am a VERY good swimmer but the thought of deep water scares the bee gee bees outta me! Perhaps have your mate wear a lifevest for security, a low profile one that doesn't call attention to her. Find her books to read on overcoming obsticles and perhaps you might find there are many other phobias/fears she has. Of course I might be jumping to conclusions but many women do not confront their roadblocks and simply except their shortcomings. Help her to liberate in so many ways and you will find your sailing mate for life.There are better ways through hypnosis, therapy and breathing for keeping an individual calm and confident. Though I've had my fair share of tranquilizers (Xanax/lorazepam)they can leave you feeling groggy or not fully allert while you're tackling something that takes concentration. I wouldn't recommend medication for her dilemma.Shared commonalities and passions in a marriage are crutial, it is the glue that will make you stick even when the intimacy has faltered over the years. If she willingly tries sailing then you must do what she loves too ie: shopping? If you give a concerted effort to something you're not crazy doing this signifies committment in the deepest form and she will reciprocate.I would also suggest you send her to sailing school with only WOMEN. This becomes a sisterhood of building confidence and transposes into liberation. A hell of a good time can be had, like sending her off to camp. (OK I might me grasping for straws now)LOL.Much luck, it isn't easy but bottom line is keeping a sound, loving committed relationship and sometimes that takes sacrifice and creativity.All best,Laurie

 

[Scott21120]

Our experience

Our first real trip (shortly after we had gotten our first boat) turned into a white knuckle experience when the winds went to 30+ instead of down to 10-15 as was forecast. I wasn't sure Dianne would ever go sailing again, but I found a gal we both have known for years who used to own a sail boat, and asked if she would come out with us one evening a week to give us some instruction. We had a lot of fun that summer sailing with our friend, and Dianne's confidence grew so that the next time we were in a situation that could have been scary, she went below and enjoyed a book, leaving me at the helm in the rain and cold! Having another woman make suggestions instead of me trying to explain things to Dianne seemed to help her comfort level improve rapidly. I know there are sailing classes geared exclusively toward women - perhaps that would be something to consider?

 

[bob G.]

What About Bob

Remember the movie with Bill Murray and Richard Dryfuss when they tied "Bob" the lead character to the mast. Just maybe......................

 

[Chris Burti]

Reflections on converting 'Lubbers

If her problem really is pure and simple fear, you have a difficult problem to solve. If it is a combination of some of the typical issues novice sailors tend to suffer from, perhaps some of the following musings may provide suggestions.The Admiral thought it would be a good idea for us to have a newer, bigger, nicer boat to celebrate our thirtieth wedding anniversary. Though she had never sailed when I met her and was afraid of the water, she is now most frequently the one who is first to suggest that the homestead chores will keep...the weather won't..."so, let's go sailing". Thus, I thought I might have something to contribute on the subject of how to help convert a 'lubber into a sailor.I believe that the fundamental solution is a hackneyed, but viable and genderless concept...Respect.Respect their fears (they may actually be more firmly attached to reality than you are). If they think the boat is heeling too much, reef... you'll probably end up going faster anyway. If they think its too rough, offer to go back to the dock if they wish. The sense that they are not trapped aboard adds to their confidence in the boat and in you.Respect their comfort. Being cold, bruised, sore, aching and seasick does not make you a better sailor. If that defines fun for you, it only makes you a better masochist.Respect their intelligence. Knowing the definition of every nautical term is not essential to having fun on a boat or to making the boat move. Understanding the physics of laminar flow, lift, drag and the geometry of vectors may float your boat, but most sensible people could care less. If you insist on sharing your witness on the subject, your presence will be as welcome as a street-corner evangelist in a hair shirt shouting testimony at a party.Respect their feelings. Shouting corrections is insulting, even when necessary to be heard over the wind and water. Tell them what they need to know about what you want them to do before they go to the other end of the boat. Warn them that you will have to shout corrections due to your poor and inadequate instructions and apologize beforehand.Respect their leisure. Most people sail for fun. If they have the responsibility for cooking at home, they probably will not think that being a galley slave in a cramped, bouncing, inadequate kitchen is much fun. If you are guy, buy a gas grill, become proficient and brag a lot about your prowess. It will enhance your stature in the boating community. If you are single, it is better than than any pheromone Mother Nature ever conceived for attracting the opposite sex. If you are married, it will raise her status among her friends and she WILL be appreciative and reward you. If you are a gal, develop one uncommon, delicious, EASY, kick-butt recipe that can be prepared over a candle with nothing but dust, rust, bilge-water and 5200. You will be welcome at any gathering. If you are afflicted with a male significant other of dubious intelligence, you will elevate him in the pecking order of his tribe and he will become more manageable. If you are blessed with a respectful soul-mate, it will provide many opportunities for mutual happiness.Respect their independence. They don't 'have' to be taught everything about sailing by you. They don't need to learn what they need or want to know at the precise time that you think that they do. When they think they need to learn something from you, they will ask. If you refrain from answering questions with thirty minute expositions and keep the answer short, simple and in their plain, native language, they will ask you more often.Novice sailors are not lost, they are driven away.Fair winds and smooth sailing,

 

[Steve O.]

Baby Steps!

Remember "Baby Steps" from "What About Bob?" Take her out a little farther each time, for a little longer, while she geat accustemed to it. Don't try to force the issue. And don't get her into any bad siuations. Emphasisze safety gear, get her the best life vest, VHF radio, MOB devices, signal devices, and know how to use them. Practice MOB drills. She just might come around to it.

 

[Bob]

Sailing Out of Seward?

Are you sailing out of Seward? We were in Alaska last year and spent quite a bit of time in Seward and learned that most if not all sailors in Anchorage kept their vessels at Seward.Walking the docks, we saw dozens of nice sailboats and figured the sailing in Prince William Sound must be fabulous. We went on one of those all day tour boats that went to the glaciers and got a close view at several sailboats out in the sound. Unfortunately it was a windy day. It appeared that the farther out you go in the Sound the rougher it got and even the big boats were reefed and heeling hard. That brings up the question then of what conditions you and your wife sail in? That may well be the issue of reluctance by your wife. The area you sail in may make a lot of difference. Perhaps you need to know where her fears lie. Is it the sailing grounds? Big passenger liners and frighters entering the harbor can be intimidating at that location as we saw in the course of several days numerous large vessels turning in the Sound. Just why is she reluctant after heading out only wanting to return. Something is certainly disturbing her. Only you can answer that. After all she can swim and has taken sailing lessons and has the basic tools to sail the boat with you. Sometimes it helps to sail with another couple or on another vessel as a crew to feel more secure amongst other sailors. We sail on a lake; no fears of critters biting, swept out to sea, fog horns, freighters or keeping the EPIRB charged. But, my wife's biggest concerns and fears are those insane runabout and bog boat cruising folks who get too close, too careless and too dangerous sometimes. Forget the rules of the road here. To calm her nerves and fear we watch all around closely take the wakes at 45 degrees and fire the ten twelve pounders from the deck!!!! Bob30 Catalina

 

[Scott]

Your geography may be hard to overcome ...

You may be native to Alaska and it may be hard to perceive that to a normal, sane person, the normal sailing conditions in Alaska may be pretty intense. I wouldn't know since I have never been to Alaska, but from descriptions and watching TV, I can imagine the obstacles you may have to overcome.For starters, being a good swimmer may be irrelevant if you are overcome by hypothermia only minutes after entering the water. I really don't blame anybody for feeling intimidated when your sailing grounds may be cold, lonely, wide open, with huge tidal fluctuations, currents, wind, waves, and above all, deadly cold water!I would never dream of taking a first time skier to Jackson Hole and leading her to Corbetts Couloir and saying here is where we begin. Is this what you are trying to overcome? I may be exaggerating the scenerio (by ignorance of your locale) but the point remains the same. My wife never sailed before we bought our small pocket cruiser. We moved the boat to our small lake primarily for convenience, but also to get over this hurdle. We sail reefed and heeled over without any unnnecessary alarm on a routine basis now, because the water is warm, the waves are small, and shore is close. I don't think it will be long before we move the boat to a location where horizons are futher away.You might want to take a trip to the Caribbean or French Polynesia for some sailing lessons. Your wife may be able to overcome her fear if she can learn without having to deal with an extremely intimidating environment.

 

[rlaribee]

And finally...

All of these comments ring true. I've done everything I can to alleviate my wife's fears, and done all the bribing stuff (her sailing with me almost always entails taking her out to dinner), etc. All of these work.But fear is fear. I'm in the nice, safe, easy going Chesapeake, and must take great care to check the weather before daring to take her out!Even if fear can be be overcome with therapy, it will take a long, long time. And your marriage won't be enhanced by her feeling pressure to undergo therapy in order to have YOUR desires enhanced. She will definitely conclude that you see her as broken, needing to be fixed, in order to make you happy.As much as I love sailing, and as much I love sailing with her more than with anyone else, and as much as I prefer sailing with someone to single handling, I would encourage you to either take up single handling or to take up a different hobby. In my profession, I do a fair amount of marriage counseling, and see the incredible damage that results when one spouse pressures the other over a long time about something -- no matter how careful and subtle that pressure is.Sailing is a passion... but it's not the only passion. And what one gains from a life of sailing can't quite balance what one might lose by eroding over time an even greater passion. For God's sake, don't let the pressure on her eat away at your marriage. Marriage is tough enough as it is... the odds are against us... and the payoff for building a really, really, really terrific marriage comes 20 years after the wedding date.Seriously consider single handling. You might find some day that things change, and she joins you of her own free will. But you have to assume that they won't. If single handling isn't enough fun to make it worth while, then seriously: find another hobby!

 

[MoonSailer]

Love it or hate it

Sailing is one of those things people usually love or hate. The unpredictable nature of sailing throws some people off. One day whitecaps the next day glass sometimes glass and whitecaps the same day!!! I'm lucky that my wife loves to sail. But my first wife was basically scared of the ocean. She was happy sailing in a lake or protected inlet. But when I went off the beach into the open ocean she was scared. Too many critters. She was kinda OK with the turtles and dolphins. She hated the sharks and whatever was down there that we couldn't see.  You might try boating in "safe" waters and then gradually move out to sea. Kayaking is great!!! My wife's confidence level really went up after paddling her own kayak. Before she waited for me to do "something" everything changed when she was captain of her own boat. A small daysailer might serve the same function. But there if she gets knocked over and turns turtle she might be scared forecer.

 

[sgbridge98]

Piloting

Have you tried letting her do the steering?

 

[Les]

A tough question

This is a very complex question to answer. We husbands tend to "know" all the answers and want to "help" our wives, girl friends and partners. Having been a teacher for forty five years how people learn is a fascinating study. First, women learn best in groups and especially in women groups taught by a women. I forgot the name of the Harvard sociologist but she wrote a book on "How Women Learn." Guys, pay attention--they learn differently from us guys. I once taught an all women college class (25 students) that was one of the best that I've ever had until a guy transferred it. The gals lost it and deferred to the guy. I asked and had him transferred to another section. The girls returned to their former excellence.Women learn best in small groups. One on one is not their style for the most part. And they want to read first before going out on the boat. We guys tend to like to try things out--hit the dock a few times in our learning. Women do not like that--they want to be successful, success brings on success.Husbands make poor teachers when the marrage is new, not that they do not have the talent to teach--the interaction between husband and wife becomes stressed. So age is a factor. I don't understand all this yet; we need more studies. Older women learning from their husbands or other men seem to want to be in charge. Rather than you saying, "I am going to teach you..", they will say, "I want to know or find out...". I have taught taught two classes (six women students each so this is not a large number to base finding on) on my boat and safety seems to be a big issue. Start with safety items. When in open water, have her steer the boat under power, do circles, how to stop, back down. Have her find which way the boat goes backward best. Don't talk about prop walk yet. Have her do figure eights. Praise is good at this point. Have her point the boat into the wind. Getting her to notice the wind is important. In one of those two clasess of ladies, I was fascinated in their telling each other where the wind was coming from until they all agreed. Once agreed, they were pleased (successful) but it was a group action.Once under sail (explain main first, then jib), one of the first things to let a woman know is how to let go all lines. Explain, if in trouble, let the main sheet and jib sheet go (fly) and watch the boat come into the wind by itself. It appears that once women see that they have control over the boat they feel better but that is only my opinion at this point. An aside: My wife and I were sailing across the Strait of Georgia on a beautiful day in twenty knots of wind, a close reach. The boat was heeled more than it should have--I had the main in too tight but the sun was warm and I was enjoying just sailing. No body in sight and the boat was moving well. I had my eyes closed while my wife was down below doing something. Suddenly the boat came upright and the main starting flapping. I slid down into the cockpit but as I looked around I could see that my wife had let the main sheet go. "I though we were over too far" says my bride of many years. I think she meant to ease the sheet and it got away from her but she insist to this day that she wanted to ease the boat so let the main go. She's a good sailor but likes safety above all else.My recommendations? Find a school that has all women classes taught by a women. A week long so they can talk to each other like one of the woman on this list mentioned, womenhood bonding. Or, next best, have your wife get three friends that want to learn to sail. You teach the basics then let them play with the boat. Go below and stay out of their hair. You're there as back up, nothing more--don't tell them anything unless they ask. OR find a good woman sailor and have her teach your wife. Next, both of you take the USPS basic courses (that's the reading part). And if she gets a better score in some of the tests, that's a good sign. My wife beat me in Piloting and I beat her in Seamanship. Interesting she has been my navigator for over forty years. She can still out do me on the charts and is better at the GPS then I can do. But I can dock the boat. HA!And if you come up with any great findings on how to teach the gals, let me know--I might like to go to Harvard and write a book. My best to you allLes