Its funny Friday!
- Thread starter rgranger
- Start date
That book is a hoot, we have a copy sittin proudly here on our coffee table, popular conversation piece here in New Bern. very PRO Trump land here, no harm no foul and his sense of humor and visit was much appreciated by the victims of the local tragedy...no politics involved or intended...
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Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow, sensual striptease in front of an old yellow John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, Billy Bob performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, he lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, you scared the snot out of me!" exclaims Billy Bob. Then, obviously embarrassed, he says, "Me and the old lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
Buttocks clenched, Billy Bob performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, he lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, you scared the snot out of me!" exclaims Billy Bob. Then, obviously embarrassed, he says, "Me and the old lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
Here I go again... Joke posting Wednesday.. Well a person has to laugh a little all week...
A Boeing 777 jetliner was flying 500 mph at 33,000 feet. A cocky F-16 fighter pilot flashed by very near the 777 at the same altitude and heading but at well over Mach 1. This startled passengers as the 777 shook and a deafening sonic boom entered the cabin.
Immediately after, the F-16 pilot decided to show off even more, telling the 777 Captain “Hey Captain, now watch this!”
He promptly went into lightening quick full aileron barrel rolls without losing any altitude. Then as seen from the 777 cockpit, the F-16 went into full afterburner to get several miles ahead of the 777 before doing a steep high-G ascent to vertical, much like an air show routine.
After climbing many thousands of feet in full burner, the F-16 pilot greatly reduced power to pull off a beautiful hammer head and soon returned right alongside the 777 at the same speed and altitude.
The F-16 pilot asked the 777 Captain “What did you think of that Captain!?”
The 777 Captain said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”
For about 4 or 5 minutes the 777 maintained its steady speed and altitude.
Then the 777 Captain came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”
Puzzled, the cocky F-16 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?!”
The 777 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, used
the aft toilet, then got a cup of coffee and cinnamon roll, while still having time
to reserve 3 nights in a five-star hotel for my family’s vacation using onboard Wi-Fi."
LESSON OF LIFE:
When you are young and foolish, speed and flash may seem like a good thing!
When you get older and smarter, comfort and some dullness are not such bad things!
It's called S.O.S. - Slower, Older, and Smarter! Do appreciate every day.
Dedicated to everyone approaching the S.O.S. years.
Immediately after, the F-16 pilot decided to show off even more, telling the 777 Captain “Hey Captain, now watch this!”
He promptly went into lightening quick full aileron barrel rolls without losing any altitude. Then as seen from the 777 cockpit, the F-16 went into full afterburner to get several miles ahead of the 777 before doing a steep high-G ascent to vertical, much like an air show routine.
After climbing many thousands of feet in full burner, the F-16 pilot greatly reduced power to pull off a beautiful hammer head and soon returned right alongside the 777 at the same speed and altitude.
The F-16 pilot asked the 777 Captain “What did you think of that Captain!?”
The 777 Captain said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”
For about 4 or 5 minutes the 777 maintained its steady speed and altitude.
Then the 777 Captain came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”
Puzzled, the cocky F-16 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?!”
The 777 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, used
the aft toilet, then got a cup of coffee and cinnamon roll, while still having time
to reserve 3 nights in a five-star hotel for my family’s vacation using onboard Wi-Fi."
LESSON OF LIFE:
When you are young and foolish, speed and flash may seem like a good thing!
When you get older and smarter, comfort and some dullness are not such bad things!
It's called S.O.S. - Slower, Older, and Smarter! Do appreciate every day.
Dedicated to everyone approaching the S.O.S. years.
Haha, nice. My Dad used to say....
'Age and treachery will overcome youth and enthusiasm'. I like the treachery part....
Cheers
dj
'Age and treachery will overcome youth and enthusiasm'. I like the treachery part....
Cheers
dj
I think this is the right clip. My work firewall blocks YouTube
“Face it, girls. I’m older and I have more insurance.” — Evelyn Couch (Kathy Bates), to the women whose car she’s just slammed into — repeatedly — after they stole her parking space and said “Face it, lady. We’re younger and faster,” in 1991’s Fried Green Tomatoes
Since our road trip to Fl and Louisiana is expected to start early Friday morning, I'm posting now.
A magician was working on a windjammer's schooner cruise in the Caribbean.
He made extra tips by performing on deck in the evenings. Since his audience would be different each week, the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. The only problem was, the captain’s parrot watched the show every night, week after week.
He began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once the parrot understood how a trick was done, he would squawk out in the middle of the show, “Awk!, it's a different hat.”
“Awk! Flowers under the table.”
“All the cards are Ace of Spades. Awk!”
The magician was furious, of course, but he couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.
and you did NOT want to anger the captain.
One day the ship had a sudden accident, hit a submerged container and sank very quickly.
The magician found himself adrift on a few lashed together pieces of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day, then another, and another.
After a week the parrot said: “OK, I give up. What’d you do with the ship?”
-Will (Dragonfly)
A magician was working on a windjammer's schooner cruise in the Caribbean.
He made extra tips by performing on deck in the evenings. Since his audience would be different each week, the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. The only problem was, the captain’s parrot watched the show every night, week after week.
Once the parrot understood how a trick was done, he would squawk out in the middle of the show, “Awk!, it's a different hat.”
“Awk! Flowers under the table.”
“All the cards are Ace of Spades. Awk!”
The magician was furious, of course, but he couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.
One day the ship had a sudden accident, hit a submerged container and sank very quickly.
The magician found himself adrift on a few lashed together pieces of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
After a week the parrot said: “OK, I give up. What’d you do with the ship?”
-Will (Dragonfly)
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I know it's only Thursday but I'm away tomorrow. This is for our southern neighbours.
Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the advent:
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"
Judge # 3 -- Oh God.........
Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the advent:
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"
Judge # 3 -- Oh God.........
Me too!!!
Every time I see a version of this, I cry. Tks, Ralph.
Funny because just a few weeks ago there was a Chili cookoff benefit at the local fire station. They had 6 kinds, I got the first two, but that 6th one was in the right place- a fire truck was RIGHT there
B UT_ as a native Texan, chili does NOT have beans- the big cookoffs like Terlingua will chase you off
I apologize in advance if any of the words used in this Public Service announcement offends.
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine, and those who don't, and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand, Ben Franklin said:
"In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria."
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.. Coli) - bacteria - found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of $hht!
VERIFICATION:
BOTH THE HOUSE AND SENATE DRINK A LOT OF WATER WHILE IN SESSION.
THIS EXPLAINS THE RESULTS THEREIN . . .
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine, and those who don't, and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand, Ben Franklin said:
"In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria."
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.. Coli) - bacteria - found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of $hht!
VERIFICATION:
BOTH THE HOUSE AND SENATE DRINK A LOT OF WATER WHILE IN SESSION.
THIS EXPLAINS THE RESULTS THEREIN . . .
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.